Mickey’s Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse (2001)

The phrase “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” can be one of the most biting, intense phrases ever uttered. At its heart, it means to be so upset by one’s actions or inactions that it doesn’t warrant a degree of passion. It means they have resigned to give up on whomever slighted them, and it becomes easier to just emotionally shut down and turn away, isolating the offender. We humans can take reaction, but to be shunned as if they don’t matter is painful.

Conversely, it can also mean that one has other things to be upset about. As a Disney film enthusiast, I place a lot of my emotions in their movies, but I know there are worse things out there: politics, bills, children in cages, climate change, etc. In the grand scheme of things, a Disney cartoon that fails to meet my expectations is hardly the worst thing ever, even by first world standards.

That being said, Disney’s House of Mouse; I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Airing on Disney Channel from 2001 to 2003, House of Mouse had a winning premise: Mickey and friends ran a nightclub: Mickey was the emcee, Minnie ran the detail work, Donald was the greeter, Daisy was the host, Goofy was the head waiter, Max was the valet, Horace Horsecollar ran the sound booth, etc. Pete was the landlord who constantly looked for ways to shut it down. But it was better than that: the patrons were animated Disney characters from Disney’s past. Yes, not just Ariel, Pooh, Cinderella, Maleficent, Dopey, Pocahontas, Dumbo, the Beast, Simba or Alice. They dug deep into the Disney archives and dragged out some of the really obscure ones: Humphrey Bear, Willy the Whale, Paul Bunyan, Mortimer Mouse, Johnny Appleseed, Professor Owl, Gus Goose, Pecos Bill, Ferdinand the Bull, the Horned King, and even…

Yeah. It was extensive.

So why did I dislike it? Well, a couple years prior, Disney had produced new Mickey Mouse cartoons called Mickey Mouse Works, and they basically tried to reboot the gang as perennial stars of eight minute shorts. For television shorts, they were fine, but not much else. But the following show, House of Mouse, set itself as a template to air three of those rerun cartoons for every half hour episode. Not only did this mean that less than half of every episode was dedicated to the plot of the episode, but it was just window dressing to the cartoons. Cartoons that were, at best, of middling quality, when I could be watching Mickey and friends interact with the stars of Disney’s animated canon. It was extremely bittersweet.

Two direct-to-video movies based on the show were made. One themed to Halloween, Mickey’s House of Villains, and this one, themed to the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. So hang high for holiday hijinks here at the Hollywood house!

The plot: After yet another day of entertaining guests at the House on Christmas Eve, Goofy (Bill Farmer) brings some alarming news: no one can go home! A snowstorm has completely barricaded everyone inside, leaving them snowed in. Mickey (Wayne Allwine) decides to host a Christmas party. Everyone is fully on board…except one Donald Duck (Tony Anselmo), who grumbles “humbug!”, as he’s simply not into the Christmas spirit. In hopes of raising Donald’s attitude, Mickey parks him in a recliner and begins playing a series of cartoons and testimonials.

How’s the writing?: House of Mouse had some pretty standard plots: often involving Donald’s broiling jealousy of Mickey, or Pete determined to run them out of business. These were simple plots that were simple to follow, not just because it was a kid’s show, but when they kept flip-flopping back and forth between the cartoons, you didn’t have any trouble keeping up. But they were still plots with conflict. In this special, there is no conflict and the film’s integrity suffers intensely because of it.

Why is Donald not in the Christmas spirit? Sure, Donald is a renowned cranky pants, and his temper has made him an icon, but he seems to be in a bad mood simply to be a contrarian. It’s never said why he’s in a bad mood other than “He gets this way every year”. Now, the kicker is there can’t be a terribly deep reason why, because it’s Donald Duck. Ebenezer Scrooge suffered a multitude of bad events during several Christmases that lead him to hate the season. The Grinch had a heart two sizes too small (In addition hating noise, a loose head, and tight shoes). Donald is a character that shouldn’t have the same kind of emotional baggage as them.

In Mickey’s Twice Upon a Christmas, in the story Donald’s Gift, Donald just wants to sit at home and have cocoa, but Daisy and the nephews won’t leave him alone, which is a relatable and simple arc. This is the type of story that Donald needed in this movie: maybe he wants to go home and miss being with the nephews and Uncle Scrooge, or maybe he’s burnt out from the modern consumerism and needs to be reminded what Christmas is about…these ideas aren’t particularly deep or unique, but they are genuine conflicts that’d make viewers sympathize and understand Donald. People have reasons for the emotions they feel, even if they aren’t rational. So having Donald just be grouchy for no reason makes this a hard watch.

And in case you’re wondering, (Spoilers), only when Mickey wishes upon a star that Donald would enjoy Christmas, does things change. Mickey lets him put the star on top of the tree, and right away, the duck is overwhelmed with holiday cheer. You see why this bothers me?

Does it give the feels?: Tell you what; I’m going to skip this point. I’ll come back to it, I promise.

Who makes it worth it?: The two main characters in this movie are Mickey and Donald. I’ve already talked about the Duck and his lack of motivation, but he’s at least mostly in character. Mickey, not so much.

You can make the argument that Mickey’s zealous enthusiasm and chipper optimism is grating. It can be, sure, because that’s the core concept of the character. But Mickey is like Superman or Captain America: he may not always have the right answer, but he always does what he thinks is right, and his moral compass leads the way. Once Mickey sees Donald’s attitude, he jumps right into showing the House’s signature cartoons to lift his spirit. Yet he never asks Donald why he’s in a bad mood. I can’t imagine seeing one of my closest friends being grumpy about something and not asking what’s the matter. I do that because once I understand why, maybe I can help fix it, or at least help them look at it from a new point of view. Instead, he’s the acting as the kind of friend who’d rather thrust a beer in your hand as soon as you’re off work instead of helping you work through why you hate your job. And worse, as the plot climaxes, Mickey bemoans that he’s “tried everything” to make Donald happy, which shows he’s more upset about his own failure than Donald’s (lack of) dilemma. Some friend.

Best quality provided: So if this movie’s so vapid and so lazy, why don’t I just throw it in the trash and be done with it? Well, two huge reasons why, and while I despise most things about this movie, these two things almost entirely redeem it.

I mentioned before how the show uses cartoons to fill the air time, and most of them are just okay. But as a bonus, the movie features the 1952 classic Pluto’s Christmas Tree, as well as the much-beloved 1983 featurette Mickey’s Christmas Carol. It’s one of the very best Christmas movies the studio ever made and it comes in at the last third of the movie. I love seeing this short film, and I can’t be truly mad if the directors had the good sense to put this gem in.

The other inclusion comes right after the showing of Mickey’s Christmas Carol, and ends the movie. It’s a song called “The Best Christmas of all”…and it reduces me to tears the first time I listen to it every holiday season. The lyrics are basic and simple. The message is vague and cliché. A lot of details about make no sense if you give any of it more than a passing thought about it. But…holy cow. There’s just something about hearing Lumiere, Belle, Pumbaa, Goofy, Ariel, Timon, Cinderella’s mice, Mickey, Aladdin, Jasmine, Peter Pan and Donald all sing a sweet and unpretentious melody about just how wonderful Christmas is.

Maybe it’s because it makes me think of just how wonderful it would be to be surrounded by all these beloved personalities during one of the best times of the year. Maybe it’s because the song doesn’t try to be a radio hit and just allows itself to simple and sweet. Maybe it’s the visuals of all these characters gathered together. Whatever it is, it is a wonderful song and I can’t recommend it enough.

What could have been improved: Let’s put aside Donald’s lack of conflict and focus on the one thing I always despised about the show: the cartoons that take up more than half the episodes’ runtime. When I first read about this show in a Disney Magazine junket back in 2001, the creators described it as “not bookends, they are part of the show”. Now, I’m sorry, but that just isn’t true. The club part of the show was a framing device, just a very elaborate one. I don’t think I’m alone in saying if I wanted to watch the Mickey Mouse Works shorts, I’d watch those. I wanted to watch House of Mouse because seeing Mickey and pals hang out with Merlin, Genie, Cruella, Peter Pan, Jiminy Cricket, Mushu, and even Herbie the Love Bug and Pepper Ann was potentially a million times more entertaining. Sadly, I think this was a symptom of the show’s core problem: a severely limited budget.

The show must have saved a ton of money by using half its runtime just by rehashing Mouse Works shorts, but it’s even more evident if you’ve seen other episodes of the show. For example, Mickey calls upon Cinderella, Eeyore, the Mad Hatter, and Mushu to share what they’re thankful for, which is ripped straight out of the Thanksgiving episode. A “man on the street” segment where Mickey asks characters like the Beast, Grumpy, Jafar, Ursula, Timon, Pinocchio, Goofy, and even Kuzco what they want for Christmas is from another Christmas episode. Say nothing of the repetitive bumpers of applauding guests that we watch at the beginnings and ends of every cartoon.

I really didn’t care for Donald on Ice, but I felt where things really fell flat was The Nutcracker. I would like a reverent take starring Minnie and Mickey, similar to Christmas Carol, but the version here is decidedly not that. Narrated by John Cleese, the film features all sorts of snarky humor and meta gags (Like how Donald is forced to play the Rat King) and features an electric guitar soundtrack of the classical music, which, I think, does this great music a huge disservice.

Verdict: I didn’t care to have this in my movie collection, but as long as I have Mickey’s Christmas Carol available and I can watch the song “The Best Christmas of All” on YouTube, I’m all set. And it’s just disappointing just how limited this series could get when on paper, it was a wildly amazing concept that could have transcended awesomeness to a whole new level of incredible. That’s why I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed. Sure, it’s upsetting to see such squandered opportunities at play, but when all is said and done, I’m glad we have at least what little we do have. As a whole, I’ll give this four shining stars upon the highest bough, with 3 and 1/2 of them going purely to the two shorts and the song.

Happy holidays to all of you, my friends.

Frozen II (2019)

Six years ago, the world kowtowed at Disney’s feet, granting the honor of being the highest grossing animated movie of all time, and people remain split about it to this day. I think a lot of people have cooled down now that “Let it Go” isn’t on repeat and Elsa and Olaf isn’t on every package at the grocery store.

I still like it, even though my tendency to get overexposed on certain pop cultural phenomena. I still like Olaf and “Let it Go”. I still like the animation and the jokes. I still respect it as a quality film that can still snark on Disney tropes. But can the franchise stay strong? Freeze frames in this friendly franchise of frenetic fracases in…Frozen II: Electric Boogaloo!

The plot: Elsa (Idina Menzel) has been hearing a mysterious siren call that no one else can. At first she doesn’t tell anyone, not even Anna (Kristen Bell). But when the literal forces of nature of earth, fire, wind, and water force the citizens of Arendelle to evacuate, Elsa enlists Anna, Kristoff (Jonathan Groff), Olaf (Josh Gad), and Sven to journey to the enchanted forest of Northuldra. The forest has been surrounded by an impenetrable mist no one has gotten through since their father was a boy. They manage to get through, and meet the native tribe and a handful of abandoned Arendelle soldiers, including general Mattias (Sterling K. Brown).

Anna and Elsa discover the bad blood between the kingdom and Northuldra, and that only by investigating what happened over thirty years ago can they find out what caused the poor relations, as well as why the nature spirits are so disruptive, and why the siren beckons Elsa. Moreover, Kristoff struggles to find the right time to propose to Anna, and Olaf faces the dour nature of change.

How’s the writing?: Sequels have a lot of challenges at the outset. They have to juggle that there may be newcomers unfamiliar with the characters and the stakes, but not slow down so much to bore those who know every line of the original. They have to invoke what we already know and love from the first movie, but still need to grow and expand on what has already been established. Frozen II delivered in spades on that.

Elsa’s ice powers feel more incidental, which means it has to rely on her being a fully dimensional character as she assumes the responsibility of figuring out what happened with the past. It can be frustrating to see she’s still insistent on sidelining Anna, but it’s clear she’s much more broken up about it than she was last time. Plus, she’s not running away, but actively digging deep and trying to fix things. In addition, Anna is not some goofy girl bumbling her way through adventure, but a headstrong, dedicated young woman whose goal is help her sister by every means necessary and becoming increasingly self-reliant. Olaf still spouts one-liners and is still a playful, simple-minded snowman, but now he’s coming to terms with his awareness growing about change and life. All in all, the characters grew. It’s no rehash. And it’s wonderful to see them develop and mature.

In terms of story, it’s played like a murder-mystery, and our intrepid team has far more questions as things unfold and the stakes get higher. It’s a truly bold take on what was an extension of a romantic Disney princess fairy tale.

Does it give the feels?: Sure. There are definitely some emotional highlights, and the one that hurt the most was…well, Olaf. As if Thanos snapped again, we see Olaf start to flurry away when Elsa freezes over, and it hurts to watch. Just watching Anna panicking at losing him while she’s already lost and alone is heartbreaking, but much more so as Olaf whispers what little comfort he can give her. I was in tears, definitely.

The other emotional moments, like Elsa exploring Ahtohallan, is meant to be another emotional moment, not unlike “Let it Go”, but it only does so much.

Who makes it worth it?: I was truly hoping Olaf wouldn’t wear out his welcome. Thankfully, he didn’t. A lot of it had to do with his increasing awareness and perception. He’s still goofy, addle-brained, and hopelessly optimistic, but he seems more keenly involved than before. His song, “When I’m Older” is fun, but it lacks the clever wordplay and nuance of “In Summer”.

Before, Olaf just kind of wandered around willy-nilly, occasionally stumbling upon a relevant plot beat almost completely by accident. Here, he definitely takes a more active role and becomes Anna’s primary companion, particularly after Elsa casts the two away when she heads off the Ahtohallan. And because the movie has such a dark tone, his humor is certainly a welcome respite.

Best quality provided: The animation is stunning. I was worried when I saw the local ads that featured the quotes about how the visuals were so impressive, because that usually means it’s the only good thing about the movie. And while I found plenty of other things to like about it, indeed, it was a visual masterpiece. The hushed autumnal hues gave the film a darker, more interesting style, which gives it an entirely separate aesthetic than the first movie.

In the first movie, the snow and ice effects were the stars, but here, there’s so much more. Elsa’s powers have grown, but now with the other elemental spirits, complete with water, fire, wind, and rock effects that look and feel like the real things.

What could have been improved: I fell in love with the catalogue of songs from the first movie. The songs here don’t quite match the same level of catchiness. If given the choice, I’d probably put “When I’m Older” on my playlist because it’s highly ironic. I liked Kristoff’s “Lost in the Woods”, but only for the 80’s power ballad motif, so I can’t speak much to the content of the song itself. I felt both “Into the Unknown” and “Show Yourself” just kind of feel like pseudo-sequels to “Let it Go”. Elsa struts around belting at the top of her lungs, complete with her demonstrating her ice powers and getting new hairstyle and dress.

Verdict: Frozen II is beautiful and a great step up from its predecessor. Great franchises need to adapt and develop as their audiences grow up, and Frozen II does that. I don’t know if it’s better than the original, but it’s welcome, considering how it expands on the world of the characters and their own development. I give this one eight Samanthas out of ten.

Wait, I don’t even know a Samantha…

Hocus Pocus (1993)

Disney movies of the nineties are an odd lot. We millennials just go nuts over some of them, because they are a strong part of our collective childhoods. This was an era where you couldn’t escape ANY marketing campaign, because the company would use everything from cereal prizes to video games to remind you NOW IN THEATERS. Some, like A Goofy Movie and Nightmare Before Christmas, have remained lodged in our limited brainspace, drenched in rosy nostalgia juice, and now we buy all those Hot Topic t-shirts because we might actually have some expendable income. Then there are others like Homeward Bound, Cool Runnings, and Operation Dumbo Drop, which were unique live action fare that can be hit or miss for those who went to see these.

And then there’s Hocus Pocus.

Much like A Goofy Movie, this movie has become an iconic piece of nineties nostalgia, but unsung enough where it’s not placed front and center with all other of Disney’s premiere hits. Everyone buys pins and t-shirts of Pooh, Goofy, Cinderella, and Ariel, but there seems to be something that much more personal when you find that one of Powerline’s Stand Out tour. Because they don’t market it to death, it feels like a great find, like fate granted you a favor. And because we millennials have grown old enough to buy our own shirts, pins, and theme park tickets, Disney has recognized the power we wield, and has dredged up the Sanderson sisters for theme park appearances…

Merchandise…

And even…

But does the original hold up as a true Halloween classic? Scare a surreptitiously sinister spell as the Sandersons stalk Salem!

The plot: In Salem, Massachusetts, 1693, three batty sister witches Winifred (Bette Midler), Sarah (Sarah Jessica Parker), and Mary Sanderson (Kathy Najimy) are caught draining the life force out of a little girl and are sentenced to hang. But before they are executed, they cast a spell that will allow them to be resurrected should a virgin light the black flame candle on a full moon on All Hallows’ Eve.

Cut to 1993, Max Dennison (Omri Katz) has just moved to Salem from L.A. and is having a hard time fitting in, though his one goal seems to be trying to getting the attentions of Allison (Vinessa Shaw). He wants to be left to his usual bout of teen angstiness, but his parents force him to take his baby sister Dani (Thora Birch) out trick-or-treating. He hates doing it, but he sees an opportunity to spend some quality time with Allison. Allison shows Max what’s left of the Sanderson’s house (Now a tourist trap with most of everything left untouched), and because he wants to impress her, he lights the candle. 300 years removed from their mortal demise, the witches return, and realize they must feed on children’s souls in order to remain alive after sunset.

Realizing the stakes, Max, Allison, and Dani must find a way to eradicate the Sandersons before they kill the children of Salem, with nothing but Winifred’s spell book, a talking cat named Thackery Binx (Jason Marsden/Sean Murray), and even a zombie (Doug Jones). Meanwhile, the Sandersons scout for children, plot revenge on the gang, and deal with 20th century technology.

How’s the writing?: I found this movie extremely disorganized. There’s two stories going on and they don’t really mesh well. Ideally, the A-plot would be the conflict with Max and the girls, trying to save the town, but the characters are written so weakly you just don’t care. Max is the lead, Allison is the pretty girl he wants to bang, and Dani is the cute kid/victim with little wiggle room for much else. They spend the first few scenes after resurrecting the witches trying to warn (what they think is) a cop, and later their parents, and we’re treated to the usual trite “LOL oh you kids and your silly imaginations!” dismissal that’s just as repetitive as it is obnoxious and annoying. Max does come up with a few ideas that save them (because the chick isn’t allowed to save the day, even when five of the six main characters are female), but early on, he’s defined as kind of an impotent, surly teen with no real personality. Like… he gets bullied and loses his sneakers, but boasts about not believing in witches and, like an idiot, makes everything happen. Frankly, I just don’t care. He’s not particularly charming or clever or interesting. He just wants to stop the bad guys and win points with with Allison.

The B-plot is, of course, the witches. The main focus is their “fish-out-of-water” interactions, with the occasional realization they’re on a severe time crunch. These elements are at odds with each other, because they don’t really have time to goof around, but…without them riding a bus, meeting Garry Marshall (Whom they mistake for Satan), enchanting an entire auditorium to dance with a musical number, or all their internal bickering, most of the movie’s appeal would be lost.

I think back to something like Nightmare on Elm Street (With Englund, not Haley! Don’t even get me started!), where the victims were prominent in their struggles and they were clearly the stars, even if you can barely remember their names. Krueger’s shtick is never lost even with reduced screen time, because his personality is so over-the-top, much like Winnie, Sarah, and Mary. Krueger is still the undisputed star of the franchise, and we wouldn’t want it any other way. But if half the movie were him goofing around, however in character it was, and the victims were even more dull, it wouldn’t be as memorable.

Does it give the feels?: It wants to use cute little Dani to generate our sense of empathy, but Dani has enough bite to her she isn’t a complete victim, so you’re more focused on the older, stronger, smarter teens, who you know are going to be okay.

But another element is Thackery. They show Thackery was a human who led the charge to have the town execute the witches when they kidnapped his little sister, and as punishment, was turned into a cat. Because he wasn’t able to save her in time, his curse is to also be immortal, so he must live with the guilt. It’s a nice sentiment that has a nice payoff (Except for one line, but trust me, I’ll get to that.), but Thackery either makes quips or exposition throughout the movie. It’d be better if he had more of a tragic element to him, or at least shown better in the cat’s “acting”, but he seems a bit too detached. Add on a level of weird when Dani tells him she wants to adopt Thackery and take care of him, long after she’s well aware he’s a human cursed as a cat who can’t die.

One moment I despise is when the protagonists pop out of a manhole, Thackery gets run over by a bus. The movie even takes an emotional beat to allow the three to cry over the loss of this magic talking cat whom they met an hour ago. But moments later, he heals, shakes it off, and curtly reminds them he can’t be killed. I feel the film was trying to dupe me into feeling sorry for him, when it was just a demonstration of the circumstance he was under.

Who makes it worth it?: If you told me this movie was produced by Midler, Parker, and Najimy so the could goof around and make a movie at the same time, I’d believe it. All three are so hammy and are clearly loving every minute of what they’re doing. Midler has always been a diva on film, and she revels in every shriek, bark, or sneer she divulges as the de facto leader. Sarah is the ditzy blonde, easily overexcited and air-headed, and seemingly perpetually horny, which makes it easy for her as the most attractive of the three, though I question why she’s so eagerly into teenage boys. Mary is the dim but loyal one, whose strong suit is to be able to sniff out children.

For whatever reason, these three look like they’re having the time of their lives, and I swear some scenes weren’t even scripted, their dynamic looked and felt so natural and off-the-cuff. Even if they’re a bit hammy for you, their enthusiasm is infectious.

Best quality provided: In isolation, parts of this movie are, indeed, fun. I already talked about the ladies’ performances. The “I Put a Spell on You” scene stalls the plot, but is entertaining. The special effects are pretty good. The jokes from the witches, they’re pretty funny. Sarah’s bewitching song is eerie and lulling. Even that scene with Marshall is kind of perfect.

The movie has some real comedy. That’s undeniable. I just wish the movie were more cohesive and focused so it didn’t feel as sporadic and disjointed.

What could have been improved: What the flying cockamamie snarfblatt is this movie’s DEAL with the whole freaking “virgin” thing?!??

I’m not a pearl-clutching “Won’t someone think of the children?!” Chicken Little, but here are my questions/concerns:

1. Max, I think, is supposed to be around sixteen years old. A full-blown teen, freshly out of his puberty years and has his sights set on the similarly-aged teenaged girl, who is also – in America – underage. Why is the fact a sixteen year old is a virgin considered unusual, let alone worthy of scorn?

2. The movie winks and jokes about Max’s virgin status frequently. This is a typical gag in Hollywood, that a man who hasn’t had sex is a loser or otherwise pathetic (Cough cough The Forty-Year-Old Virgin…). To which I ask, why? Why does this movie hammer this joke over and over? Even if he were of age, it’s not funny.

3. This movie was produced and released under the Disney banner, despite having a subsidiary studio, Touchstone Pictures, made explicitly to produce Disney movies without tainting the gloved hands of the Mouse with anything more than a PG rating. Thanks to Touchstone, we got movies like Splash, Arachnophobia, Pretty Woman, Who Framed Roger Rabbit, and Nightmare Before Christmas. So it’s not as though Disney couldn’t release a movie with innuendo and/or subtext. Although clearly, this movie is meant to have a family-wide appeal, almost like a Disney Channel movie. So it makes the inclusion of having this element even more confusing.

4. I’m not against sexual innuendos or inference in movies, particularly if it’s done cleverly enough that it goes over kids’ heads. Heck, those are some of my favorite episodes of Dinosaurs. If the jokes were limited to Sarah’s obsession with boys, or the bus driver’s line about “A couple of tries”, I would simply raise an eyebrow. If the mom’s Madonna costume was the worst of it, fine. Maybe, just maybe, I might even forgive Dani talking about “yabos” (A term I sure as smoo never heard, even well into adult years), as frighteningly bizarre as it is. But man, they really don’t want you to forget that Max is a proven virgin, a cop even pokes fun at him for it (Even if he was really a cop, which is another legal issue altogether), and yes, the last line in the movie is a snarky quip from Thackery about it. It’s supposed to be a big, emotional payoff, and it gets soiled when he says “I had to wait three hundred years for a virgin to like a candle!” Jeez, way to undercut the moment, Binx.

Verdict: If you love seeing Parker hop around repeating “Amok, amok, amok!” Or the meme-worthy quotes from Winifred, I totally get it. If you watch this every Halloween, I get it. If you watch it because it’s just the right amount of silliness and camp that you enjoy, more power to you. But the whole “virgin” thing, because it’s so tenuously tied to the plot and repeatedly brought up, plus the scattered narrative and the dull portrayal of Max and Allison, I can’t untangle those from what positives I do get out of it. And I legit want to. But it just isn’t enough for me to enjoy it the way I want to. I give this movie five Calming Circles out of ten.

Here’s hoping the sequel is an improvement.

Top Ten Characters I want to see in DuckTales 3: Revenge of the Forgotten

Touché, Mr. Francisco Angones and Mr. Matt Youngberg. I’m onto you. You guys think you can slip in a brain-melting teaser poster advertising the upcoming season of your show and think I wouldn’t notice? You think I don’t see the resemblances, much like anime fans notice the ones between Kimba the White Lion and The Lion King? You think I don’t see what you’re doing? Well, guess what! I’m onto you! You think you can just spy on my lists and just ever so slightly pick and choose which characters I recommend? Ha! I know you guys are watching! Show yourselves!

(…)

Fine. Be that way. But after my first list, and I suggested we see the three caballeros, Ludwig Von Drake, and Darkwing Duck, guess what?

In my second list, I requested Goofy, Bubba and Tootsie, Daisy, and the Rescue Rangers. And guess what?

So now I’m really gonna test things. I’m gonna really see just how far I can push things.

Well…yeah. I mean, I’m not going to throw a tantrum on a subreddit or anything. But if in season three we’re going to get Gosalyn, the Rescue Rangers, Genie, and even the frickin’ Wuzzles, why not really continue this thought experiment?

Now, I’ve heard a multitude of complaints from fans, those who want DuckTales to be, well, DuckTales, not The Disney Afternoon Crossover Series. But why? It’s still a series focused primarily on Scrooge, the nephews, Webby, and Launchpad. Even with the introduction of Darkwing Duck, the writers took great pains to not only craft an ingenious story, but also tie in how Launchpad came to be associated with the Masked Mallard, homage the past by bringing show creator Tad Stones and OG Darkwing voice Jim Cummings, and even introduce fan favorite villain NegaDuck, all while tying in Scrooge McDuck and Dewey to the main premise. Honestly, I think that episode, “The Duck Knight Returns”, is my most favorite DuckTales episode so far.

But before I start, I had to really revamp my list, and some of my previous entries fell by the wayside. I want to discuss those first.

Baloo and Shere Khan: I was so excited about the idea that DuckTales took place in the same universe as Cape Suzette, mostly because I was extremely interested in seeing how Baloo and Launchpad would fare against each other as pilots. And frankly, I still am. I included Shere Khan because as a wealthy businesstiger, he might run in the same circles as Scrooge, and further establish the world of the 1% we already know is inhabited by Flintheart Glomgold and newly-established Mark Beaks. However, Shere Khan’s cool, controlled demeanor wouldn’t provide much interesting story potential . Plus, not having the great Tony Jay voicing him would be almost heresy.

I’d have kept Baloo on here…but it looks like that ain’t happening. In the poster, it looks like Kit Cloudkicker and Molly Cunningham have both grown up, implying that Baloo is, at the very least, too old to pull off the great aeronautical maneuvers we love him for.

Pete: Pete will always be a perennial favorite, especially given his history with Donald Duck, but even I admitted in that list he was kind of redundant. As long as the Beagle Boys continue to hold the spot for a blowhard bully, it’s kind of overkill.

Howard the Duck: The idea that Howard could be a liaison to the Marvel universe is certainly an appealing notion, but Howard’s gimmick is limited to the fact that…well, he’s an anthropomorphic duck in a human universe. Maybe if he had a cameo, I suppose that’d work, but otherwise, it’s not enough.

Mickey Mouse: I had to let this one go, much to my chagrin. We’re already getting Goofy and Daisy, and at this point, the show doesn’t need an extra boost from the mouse.

Okay, now let’s things going.

10. Morgana Macawber

One of the things I truly admire about DuckTales is its ability to firmly have one foot in science fiction and one squarely in fantasy. This is a show that features the GizmoDuck suit, the B.U.D.D.Y. System, and time travel, while still using ancient Druid magic, the shadow dimension, and Magica DeSpell’s sorcery. And as long as they continue to write great stories, I’m fully on board.

Morgana Macawber was Darkwing Duck’s love interest, from a family of unseemly sorcerers. Initially evil, she fell in love with DW, and used her magic for good, even teaming up with him and GizmoDuck in the two-part episode “Just us Justice Ducks”. She’s sultry, mysterious, even a bit hot-tempered (Which made for great contrast with DW’s often impulsive and/or selfish ways). And while I think it’s a bit much to introduce her solely as a DW character, there are other ways.

Most notably, Magica. Perhaps Morgana was a fellow witch in Magica’s old coven, or possibly related to newcomer Violet Sabrewing, Webby’s newest friend (Come to think of it, the practical, logical girl who recently became obsessed with magic suddenly finding out her mom or aunt is a witch would be a great reaction to watch.). In either case, Morgana could fit in easily, and if her alliances with Magica come into question, there’s some potential for great drama to be had.

9. Mighty Ducks

So…remember in 1991, Disney made a live action movie starring Emilio Estevez about a group of pee-wee hockey players? And then it exploded into a trilogy and a legitimate NHL team based in Disneyland’s hometown of Anaheim? You do? Great! Because Mighty Ducks have nothing in common with that movie!

No, seriously. Mighty Ducks was the final Disney Afternoon series, airing for one season in 1996 and 1997 for only 26 episodes. It was about a group of humanoid ducks from an alien planet who found themselves on Earth to stop a reptilian overlord and in their spare time, play hockey.

Unlike Howard, they’re more than just an anthropomorphic duck gimmick, they’re aliens. They came from Puckworld (Yes, seriously) and they fight Lord Dragaunus with a variety of gadgets, including leader Wildwing’s high-tech goalie mask, and their stadium, dubbed “the pond”, turns into an aircraft hangar, because if Professor Xavier can do it, why can’t they? In any case, in the DuckTales universe, there are plenty of powerful bad guys, and GizmoDuck and Darkwing Duck can only do so much. Especially with an invasion from the moon on the horizon.

I already have a headcanon going where it’s Louie who uses his con artist abilities to sell the idea of establishing the Ducks as a legit Duckburg hockey team, telling sponsors he’s their agent. Why? So he can brag about how he coached a great team in Bombay, India so well, he was nicknamed “Coach Bombay”.

You either laughed, rolled your eyes, or groaned. Regardless, you had a reaction. You know you did.

8. Bonkers D. Bobcat

For a city with such scum and villainy out and about, there seems to be a minimal police presence around. But at least with this goofball on the force, you’d understand why Glomgold and the Beagle Boys are still on the streets.

Not that Bonkers is a bad cop per se…hang on, let me rephrase that: he’s not inept. He’s just a toon. He tends to work better when teamed up with Miranda, or better yet, Lucky, but as long as he has a straight man to play off of, he’ll be fine. In fact, he may be investigating a burglary at McDuck manor, and really any member of the household would make for a fun, madcap misadventure. Huey would be stressing out over lack of proper policing protocols, Dewey would be encouraging the more dangerous action stuff, Scrooge and Mrs. Bleakley would keep rolling their eyes, Launchpad would be totally stoked, and Webby would be hyper-analyzing a criminal profile to a creepily detailed degree. A combination of any of these characters tagging along with the former Hollywood star would make for some great comedy.

Should Jim Cummings return as the rapscallion? I’m on the fence about that. The voice is iconic, but considering Bonkers isn’t as well-loved as other Disney Afternoon shows (His show never had so much as a DVD release), there’s some flexibility. Not to mention the show hasn’t let me down yet in their voice casting, so I trust them. If it’s any indication, Cummings also voiced Don Karnage in TaleSpin, and the rebooted version is just as fun and entertaining.

7. Peter Pig

Who’ll help her plant her corn?

Who’ll help her plant her corn?

It’s Peter Pig, who’s strong and big,

He’ll help her plant her corn!

In 1934, Disney released the Silly Symphony The Wise Little Hen, an adaptation of the folk tale, Little Red Hen. Mrs. Hen asks help from Peter Pig to help plant and bake her crop of corn, but the lazy ne’er-do-well feigns a stomachache to avoid work. Peter and his buddy to escape the trappings of manual labor, sure, but Mrs. Hen is still nice enough to give him what a truly sick pig needs: castor oil! Peter would be relegated to just silent cameos ever since, unlike his co-star, one Donald Fauntleroy Duck.

One thing I loved about the three caballeros’ appearance in the episode “The Town Where Everyone was Nice!” was the idea that José and Panchito were Donald’s old college buddies, where they formed a garage band. Given just how far back Donald and Peter go, and how they were paired together only once, it makes sense to cast Peter as an extremely estranged friend whom Donald is less than enthused over, not unlike his relationship with Storkules.

But it gets better. Peter is lazy and has few scruples in getting out of work if he feels like it, and is more than happy to reap the rewards he didn’t earn. You can only imagine how an old, long, long, long lost friend of Donald’s would react if he found out Donald is related to the richest duck in the world. It probably would be the fastest he’d ever have moved in his life.

Or, let’s take this a step further. What if Della Duck once dated Peter? Hear me out: long before the boys, Della probably dated a loser or two in high school, and he probably is the kind of guy who doesn’t like taking no for an answer. He disappears for a while when Della got stuck on the moon, but now that she’s back, he’s going to try and win her affections again…but obviously she’s not interested. While Louie might relate to someone so lazy and opportunist, Peter’s thinly-veiled persistence just angers everyone. While I doubt Peter would go so far as becoming a villain, he would provide enough of a conflict to be serious concern, and better still, be a great story in teaching audiences about the red flags and dangers of toxic people, particularly the toxic masculinity aspect: a commentary that needs more discussion in media these days.

Yeah, I take my cartoons seriously. Your point?

6. April, May, and June

I’m not going to let this one go. It was on my last two lists, and it’s on this one, too. These three are quite overdue for an appearance.

I love how the women and girls in 2017 DuckTales have been handled. Della went from a non-existent character to a vibrant personality. Webby went from being a token focus group check mark in the “for the girls” box into a funny and quirky little girl. Mrs. Beakley went from being a fussy, old world old biddy into a cool, calculated, intense former secret agent. But these three have only really had one animated appearance in The Legend of the Three Caballeros, and in true vintage fashion, they all looked alike, acted alike, and were all voiced by the same actress, Jessica DiCocco.

I submit this suggestion once again: whatever they reincarnate the girls into, I still think Cathy Cavadini, E.G. Daly, and Tara Strong are the best choices to voice the girls. Nothing like the original Powerpuff Girls lineup to stir nostalgic feels and develop new personalities for a whole new generation.

5. Fluppy Dogs

Out of the 13 animated series that called the Disney Afternoon programming block their home, only six – six! – have not been honored in some way yet, and soon, even The Wuzzles will be part of DuckTales lore, a show that did not air on the block.

So let’s really step things up. I already talked extensively about the pilot episode of Disney’s Fluppy Dogs, so I won’t go too deep here. But by this point, nothing is surprising anymore. This will really prove the show creators’ nerdiness. Really, the only thing nerdier than that is if they somehow revitalized the original show idea Maximum Horsepower starring Horace Horsecollar…but at least Fluppy Dogs made it to air, so let’s not overdo it. Yet.

4. Bill Cipher

I originally put Agent P from Phineas and Ferb on the list, because I wrote a fan fiction story a few years ago (Don’t judge me) where GizmoDuck and Darkwing Duck team up with Agent P, American Dragon Jake Long, Goliath and Kim Possible. But I removed him because, like Howard the Duck, once you remove humans from the equation, it kind of fell apart. Sadly, it’s the same reason why I feel I can’t include Kim Possible. But I really started thinking, if I could include any character from a Disney animated series that’s too recent for the Disney Afternoon, who would I pick? The answer was bizarrely simple: the maniacal Bill Cipher.

Cipher, the primary antagonist Gravity Falls, is an extradimensional, Lovecraftian dream demon who can warp space and time to his will, and has aspirations merge the Nightmare Realm and the third dimension, and bring chaos and insanity in its wake. Scrooge would most certainly be tested to his limits in trying to figure out how to combat such a threat, even with GizmoDuck, Darkwing, Danger Woman (Molly from TaleSpin‘s alter ego, who is clearly coming soon), the Mighty Ducks, Morgana, or even Long and Possible were there to help. Would Magica and he be allies or foes? Who knows?

Alex Hirsch, creator of Gravity Falls, also voiced Cipher. If they got him to return to play the character, he might be able to assist in the story, ensuring the Cipher stays as uncomfortably weird and unsettling as the show could get, keeping the character’s integrity intact. Not to mention garnering all of the fans who love Gravity Falls one more time around.

Because of Cipher’s powers to malevolently warp reality, the opportunities to make for a weird, fun episode are limitless. Maybe they could open a portal to the human world, so this could mean any Disney series – Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls, Kim Possible, Milo Murphy’s Law, Recess, Lilo and Stitch: the Series, The Proud Family, Pepper Ann, you name it. Who wouldn’t want an Avengers: Endgame-style team up involving four decades’ worth of television animation? It’d sure make for one glorious season – or series – finale. It wouldn’t be the first time he crossed over into other shows: eagle-eyed fans of Rick and Morty have pointed out the few easter eggs that hint at Gravity Fall‘s presence in the adult animated series.

Or even if they don’t go that far, Suppose Cipher throws their dimension out of whack, and their reality warps into the 1987 DuckTales (Complete with some original voice casting with Russi Taylor and Terrence McGovern?) or even in the style of the Carl Barks and Don Rosa comics? C’mon, you know that’d be awesome!

3. Arturo Tuskerninni

Let’s take it back a notch on number three. Now, here’s what we know about the villains of Darkwing Duck:

  • MegaVolt, Bushroot, Liquidator, Quackerjack, and Paddywack are all featured on the Darkwing Duck series show-within-a-show. The odds we’ll see any of them again as recurring antagonists is pretty slim.
  • NegaDuck was revealed to be a real-world nemesis at the finale of “The Duck Knight Returns” episode.
  • Taurus Bulba will appear in season 3.

While others are eager for Steelbeak, I’m more hopeful to see Tuskerninni, a walrus whose shtick is that of being a great film director. However, he uses his dramatic flair as a smokescreen for his crimes, usually robberies. While far from the most diabolical in DW’s rogue’s gallery, his gimmick provides fantastic potential, especially given the state of Hollywood in today’s day and age.

In some episodes, Tuskerninni wore Spielberg’s familiar Hawaiian shirts and thick beard, but nowadays, there are so many more famous directors and nuances to them he can parody or mock. He could rant about how social media ruins his plot twists, all the while posting selfies. He might preach about being “woke” in his films, but denounce political correctness ruining his scripts. He might even be a George Lucas or Kevin Fiege parody, drawing parallels to Disney’s other properties in a bout of self-referential jabs.

In “The Duck Knight Returns”, we see Scrooge owns a studio, and there is no better place for a filmmaker to dwell. Heck, he might even be a bitter has-been who holds an entire convention hostage, so Dewey, Launchpad, and of course Darkwing might find themselves called to save the day.

2. Merlock

  • If you look closely at the teaser poster, you may notice Genie, from DuckTales, Treasure of the Lost Lamp. He’s finally returned! And in season two’s “Treasure of The Found Lamp!”, we are introduced to D’jinn, a much better version of the thinly-veiled racist caricature from the same movie. However, we still have yet to see the truly scene-stealing Merlock, the wicked sorcerer bent on finding the genie’s lamp.
  • We have so much potential for dark magic between Magica, Lena, and possibly Morgana and Cipher, but few left the impact that Merlock did, from his booming voice, provided by one Christopher Lloyd, to his animal-transformation power. Merlock is a force to be reckoned with, and because Genie and D’jinn are set to appear in season 3, it’s highly likely the mage will, too. I still hope Lloyd will provide the voice, but I’m down if they got someone like John DiMaggio.
  • But seriously, suppose Merlock is the kind of sorcerer that scares even Magica. That would be fascinating.

1. Gargoyles

I refuse to let this one go. This show was just way too good to be ignored. Even Jordan Peele, director of Get Out and Us, wants to make a rebooted movie about them. And they just keep on pretending this show doesn’t exist?! Come on!

First of all, Gargoyles was dark and gothic. DuckTales 1987 was pretty light and fanciful, and had zero tone equivalency to Gargoyles, but the rebooted show absolutely has the capability to get uncomfortably dismal if it needs to. In the episode “The Other Bin of Scrooge McDuck!” (God, I love these episode titles!), Lena struggled to fight Magica’s control over her, leading to some truly unsettling imagery, even going so far as to turn Webby into a doll and Lena accidentally destroys her!

Another appealing aspect of having the gargoyles in the show is the fact the Manhattan clan is from Scotland, the home of one Scrooge McDuck. Of course, the clan no longer resides in Scotland, but the skyscrapers of New York City, as of 1994. But I’m willing to bet a story could be written how Scrooge learns of David Xanatos’ purchase of Castle Wyvern and claims either the castle or something inside it belongs to Clan McDuck, and he happens to be there when the gargoyles awaken. Naturally, Scrooge is so well-versed in matters involving mythical creatures, he recognizes them as the benevolent creatures they are and maybe offer them a home at McDuck Manor.

Arguably the biggest roadblock is the human aspect. Much like the X-Men, Gargoyles was a series rife with social commentary about prejudice and xenophobia, and even though all the humans could be made into ducks, something profound is lost if the gargoyles were to address the relationship between “ducks and gargoyles”. Heck, I’m still not sure if turning Xanatos or Elisa into ducks is all that great an idea.

Still, I could not be in any more support of Goliath and the gang become a part of the DuckTales universe. In terms of voice acting, Keith David cannot not return. Bill Fagerbakke, who voiced Broadway and is better known these days as Spongebob‘s Patrick Star, has already been in DuckTales 2017 as The Ghost of Christmas Present in “Last Christmas!”. But would Sally Richardson-Whitefield (Elisa Maza), Thom Adcox-Hernandez (Lexington), Jeff Bennett (Brooklyn and Owen), Ed Asner (Hudson), Jonathon Frakes (Xanatos), Marina Sirtis (Demona), or Brigitte Bako (Angela) return? Who knows? But again, I’ve truly appreciated the casting choices they’ve done so far, but Keith David is the lynchpin. It’s like, say, bringing back DuckTales but not…

…yeah. That kind of thing.

So that about does it. My picks to further expand the DuckTales universe, and help maintain the streak of awesome this show already has going for itself. What do you guys think? Should we see other Disney Afternoon crossovers? I mean, I doubt we’ll see Schnookums and Meat or Marsupilami or Timon and Pumbaa or-

Frankly, I don’t know if I should have seen this one coming or not.

The Disney Fan Conundrum

I have a complicated relationship with Disney. I think most of us do. If you don’t like Mickey Mouse or Disneyland, you probably like at least one of the fifty-plus animated features they’ve made. If cartoons aren’t your thing, you probably just like riding Space Mountain. If that’s not your cup of tea, maybe you get a kick out of watching Marvel or Star Wars. But maybe you’re not into stuff for nerds or kids. Well, how you liking watching ABC or all those games on ESPN? And if you missed the news lately, The Simpsons and Scott Ridley’s Aliens franchise are allied under the ears.

How much is too much? I’m not the first one to question this. But the jokes and observations over the past decade or so have risen ominously, like a billowing storm cloud. ABC. The Muppets. Pixar. Marvel. Maker Studios. Lucasfilm. 21st Century Fox. Hulu. Like a ravenous maw, Disney has consumed numerous companies at a troublesome rate. How worried should we be?

“What would Walt -“

Yeah, I’m gonna stop you right there, champ, and suggest you not finish that sentence even in thought. It’s pointless, moot, even. Wiser men than I have asked the dreaded question since the man’s death that cold morning of December 15th of 1966.

When Walt Disney died, the company was known for three things: animated cartoons, live action comedies, and theme park rides. At that time, Walt was just starting to branch out into thinking more ambitious projects like CalArts and E.P.C.O.T., projects so ludicrously unreachable the company could barely do more beyond building the college. Walt had established forty-plus years in Hollywood being the final say in all projects at the studio that even longtime nay-sayers were ready to jump when he said so. But once Walt died, no one knew what the hell the company should do. For a solid twenty years, the answer was generally “I dunno, whatever we’ve been doing, I guess”.

What, then, were Walt’s designs when he was alive? I’m usually happy to take the official documentations at face value that Walt wasn’t in it for the money, but if I had to be cynical, I’d say he probably did have some dreams of making it big, but his odd jobs as a kid show he didn’t have much of a plan. Walt was a creative guy, to be sure, but he wasn’t a particularly gifted actor or artist, so options were pretty limited back in the 1920’s. But what’s clear is Walt frequently drove the company deep into debt with every crazy venture, and he didn’t even pay off his debt to the bank that started in the thirties until 1961. That doesn’t sound like a greedy capitalist to me. That sounds more like a guy who just kept playing around with whatever he felt like and just happened to have some lucky stars on his side that allowed him to get rich and famous.

What did Walt feel about his competitors? The information I find is scant at best, but I think it’s mostly because very few allusions to the Looney Tunes or Tom and Jerry amounted to even cute anecdotes. One story illustrates Walt hiring Richard Fleischer, son of Betty Boop and Popeye cartoon creator Max Fleischer, to direct 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Richard ended up asking his father’s permission, who not only gave it, but asked to pass on a compliment about having good taste in directors. According to Fleischer, the men remained friends for years afterward. And even though Chuck Jones and Friz Freleng worked at the Disney studio, there is little mention of their relevance outside the company.

The fact of the matter is, “What Walt would’ve said/done/wanted/thought” is a meaningless endeavor. We may never know. We never will know. Walt lived well after the unregulated landscape of Carnegie and Rockefeller, and long before today’s economic turbulence. Maybe Walt might not have wanted the company to be as big as it’s gotten to be, or maybe he did. Either way, let’s put that blind speculation to rest and move on.

A list of charges

At some point, we have to face facts and grow up. Sorry, Peter Pan, but it’s true. In the end, we have to realize that the things we like aren’t perfect.

Disney has done numerous things that are questionable, beyond the usual gripes, like removing River Country, the Rocket Rods debacle, the current remake fad, the failure of DisneyQuest, or the usual Hollywood shenanigans. I’m sure there are even actual legal crimes they’ve committed, but I wanted to actual dive into real, morally questionable acts Disney has pulled off even I have trouble defending.

1. The Sequel Era (1994 – 2008). From The Return of Jafar to The Little Mermaid III: Ariel’s Beginning, the company unleashed a barrage of direct-to-video sequels, produced by their television studios in Japan and Australia. In all, over 20 animated films received sequels from them, with eight of them getting more than one. While not a terrible crime, it did oversaturate the market with Disney animation, particularly with low-quality animation, stories that often failed to match the grandeur of the original, and often failed to have the whole cast return.

Weird how children’s entertainment is the only thing where parents say, “Who cares? It’s just for my kids.” Is it the same thing as having sex and violence in their entertainment? No, but don’t our children deserve the best in family entertainment, not just the table scraps?

2. Racism and sexism. These charges have been abundant, even rampant. After all, when you’ve been around for nearly 80% of the twentieth century, you go through the eras where blackface was comedy gold and “Women be crazy!” was acceptable. In the end, we get cartoons like Cannibal Capers, Mickey’s Man Friday, Mickey in Arabia, The Mad Dog, Mickey’s Mellerdrammer, Commando Duck, Californy ‘er Bust, and more that depict not-white people in a comical, often non-flattering light. Snow White makes dwarfs comic figures, Lady and the Tramp has Asian stereotypes, Peter Pan depicts Native Americans, Dumbo has its crows…need I bring up Song of the South?

The sexual politics have been just as sticky. The princesses have evolved from passive damsels like Snow White and Cinderella. Many forget, but there was a time Ariel was praised as a progressive figure, too. But it doesn’t change the fact that there are still problematic elements with some of the princesses, especially when being used as a gimmick to sell dresses and further enforcing archaic perceptions of femininity and beauty.

3. Product gaffes. Making merchandise is standard practice in the industry. But even Disney doesn’t always make the right call. Two particular examples are the Rad Repeatin’ Tarzan and the Maui costume. In the former, a plastic figurine of the 1999 movie character came with a trigger that swung his enclosed fist upward, and unleash his trademark yell. It takes less than no imagination to imagine what it ended up looking like he was doing.

For the Maui costume, promoting 2016’s Moana, kids could wear their very own brown body suit, complete with the demigod’s famous tattoos. Needless to say, Disney faced significant backlash for selling a costume that was the very embodiment of cultural appropriation.

4. Merida’s redesign. The heroine from the 2012 Pixar film was made to be a true feminist icon in the 21st century. However, that changed when her overall design was altered after the film was released. Not in the movie, but for her appearance on products. I assume this was to make her look similar to her fellow hand-drawn princesses, but the changes made were…questionable.

Her famous unkempt frizz was smoothed out to look more flowing, her trademark bow was rarely shown, her dress billowed and sparkled, her eyes more seductive, and her figure was made curvier and thinner. That’s not creepy, is it?

5. The Sweatbox. The Emperor’s New Groove went through numerous obstacles before achieving the final product. Trudie Styler, noted documentarian and wife of the film’s composer, was there to record every moment of production. The resulting documentary, The Sweatbox, was banned by Disney since it showed some of the more un-magical, stressful parts of film production.

6. John Lasseter. The creative drive behind Pixar was long seen as the closest thing to Walt Disney the 21st Century had, from his chipper personality, his collection of toys, his flair for dressing in stylish Hawaiian shirts, his history as both a Jungle Cruise skipper and a CalArts student, and of course, his role as the creative head of Pixar won him a multitude of fans. In 2006, he was promoted to executive of Disney animation and became chief consultant on Disney imagineering. He steered Disney animation out of the post-2000 slump and brought about the biggest hits since The Lion King such as Tangled, Wreck-it Ralph, and Frozen.

So imagine fans’ shock when in 2017, word was leaked that Lasseter was accused of sexual misconduct toward female staff, and this had been a long-running issue, to the point where he required a handler. Lasseter left Disney in 2018, and immediately became head of Skydance Animation. Sometimes there really is no justice.

7. Screwing Robin Williams. I went over this in my Aladdin review, but yeah, Jeffrey Katzenberg really went out of his way to make a mockery of Robin’s contract and ensure the actor who didn’t want to sell out not just sell out, but make no money while doing so.

8. Royalties lawsuits. Quick, what do Louie Prima, Mary Costa, Ilene Woods, and Peggy Lee all have in common? If you said they voiced in Disney cartoons, you’re right! (King Louie, Princess Aurora, Cinderella, and the Siamese cats in Lady and the Tramp). Follow-up: they all also sued Disney. Why? Well, back in the fifties and sixties, home video wasn’t a thing. So of course there was no reason to include royalty payments when their movies were rereleased on VHS. These lawsuits took place in the late eighties, early nineties, and ended with Disney settling most of their cases.

9. Disneyfying stories. Ask anyone about The Little Mermaid or Pocahontas, and they’ll often bristle when reminded just how different the source material is versus the focus group-tested, family-friendly cartoon. The original stories often contain some very problematic elements not appropriate for children today. Many would simply suggest Disney just not make movies based on stories that had darker elements, but that leaves an extremely small spectrum of stories to tell. Still, this trend can be worrisome to those who believe children can’t be shielded from the unpleasantness of the world forever.

10. Fantasia and Alice re-releases in the seventies. Both movies were box office duds in their original 1940 and 1951 releases, hard as it is to believe. For decades, Disney movies got mileage out of releasing their greatest hits collection in theaters roughly every seven years or so. In 1969, Fantasia was back, and Alice returned in 1974. In a rare move of attentiveness, Disney seemed to understand its audience and promoted the movies with psychedelia-inspired posters and even used Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit” in commercials. So yeah, Disney wittingly capitalized on high teenagers to sell these movies. Put that in your pipe and…oh, sorry.

11. The Rescuers‘ nude. I absolutely loathe it when people ask me about Aladdin’s supposed dirty line, the dust cloud in The Lion King, the priest’s knee or the palace spire in The Little Mermaid, because they’re all refuted (Aladdin says “Good kitty, take off and go”. The cloud says “SFX” because it was made by the special effects department. Yes, it’s the priest’s knee, and the spire is long and rounded, very good.). I’m not sure why some believe Disney is trying to indoctrinate kids with subliminal messaging sexual innuendos. Seriously, what could possibly be gained by that??

However, the one that actually is true is in 1977’s The Rescuers. In the scene where Orville the albatross dives through New York with a very unnerved Bernard and a thrilled Miss Bianca aboard, in two frames, some puckish artist put an image of a topless woman in a window in two frames of animation. The image was scrubbed in later releases, of course, but the damage was done. Now a lot of people think Disney is trying to corrupt our children.

Yes, I know about Jessica’s dress when she is thrown from the car in in Roger Rabbit! That one’s fake, too! Can we drop it now?!

12. Cast member wages. Wage gaps are a pretty touchy topic these days, what with wealthy people getting wealthier and poor people getting poorer. But one would expect that the people who operate the best-loved rides at the Disney theme parks under the employ of one of the wealthiest companies on the planet would pay their employees a decent wage. Alas, not unlike Amazon or Walmart, just because the company makes beaucoup bucks does not mean they invest in something as sensible as fair wages. This article paints a rather troubling picture of how thousands of cast members in Florida and California suffer due to the terrible pay for operating a place as grand and illustrious as Disneyland. In 2018, it was an issue so desperate even Bernie Sanders joined in to champion for the rights of the workers. The people who cater to those who spend thousands to go to Disneyland should not be facing poverty.

13. Ending hand-drawn animation. I’ve talked about this before, but in 2004, Disney faced a grim prospect of the future of hand drawn animation. In the sixties and eighties, executives wrung their hands when profits were meager and constantly went back to the idea of losing the animation studio. However, in the early aughts, it was more of a question to adapt with the times and make more movies in CGI, like Pixar, Dreamworks, and Blue Sky were doing. Instead of just diversifying and making both, Disney went all in and tried to butcher the studios, killing the satellite offices in Florida, France, and Japan.

Yes, animation is expensive, but it became controversial as it was deemed the end of an art form for the sake of “getting with the times”. And unlike those other times, Disney actually did it, laying off thousands, only to go back and make Enchanted, The Princess and the Frog and Winnie the Pooh a few years later.

14. Theme park prices. When Disneyland opened in 1955, it was $1 for adults and 50¢ for children, and each ride cost between 10-30¢ each to ride. Adjusted for inflation, that is $9.54 and $4.77 in 2019 dollars. It was $3.50 for visitors to visit WDW in 1971, about $22.08 today. So what happened? A lot, really. Inflation happened, sure, but that doesn’t explain a one-day ticket price ballooning ten times its original price. But expansion happened. Hiring cast members happened. Ending the ride-specific ticket books happened, condensing ride and admission prices. But ultimately, I’d argue it had to do with highly conservative and paranoid executives who ran the company from Walt’s death to Eisner’s takeover in 1984 (WDW’s ticket prices were up to $18 then, around $44.27 today), and Eisner’s fiscally constrictive attitude, particularly post-1994. By the time he was ousted in 2006, it cost $67. They first breached $100 by 2015.

But why? Walt made it clear Disneyland was meant to be for everyone, so why can’t everyone go? Even if I were to discount corporate greed, the best I can come up with is wealth appeal and crowd control. Disney banks on being seen as the best, so the appeal of going to the greatest theme park in America is something a lot of people want to do. Not to mention, lines and crowds are huge deterrents, so by thinning the herd with higher prices, waits for Splash Mountain stay manageable. However, this isn’t working. Crowds and lines still flood the parks. Sooner or later, the bubble is going to burst. It may have to come down to finally opening that long-rumored Texas Disney park, because even opening more DLR and WDW parks barely stems the tide.

And that’s not even getting into paying $10 for a balloon or $4 for a bottle of Coke.

15. Extending copyright. Once upon a time, copyright law only lasted as long as the original creator was alive, long enough so he or she could profit off their creation. Under the 1909 copyright law, promising 56 years of legal protection, Mickey Mouse was set to be available in the public domain by 1984. Understandably (Sort of), Disney didn’t want that to happen. So what did they do? They lobbied Congress in 1976 and succeeded to add 27 more years to the law, till 2003. In 1997, Disney spent even more millions to further extend the copyright to 95 years, till 2023. Undoubtedly Disney is set to tackle this again, but there are serious repercussions to this than just refusing to let others play with your creation.

By restricting access to adapting copyrighted creations, creativity among the public is hindered, especially when considering how broad the law is. Not only are creative enterprisers frightened of anything just too similar enough to warrant litigation, but it also allows rampant and overzealous abuse from places like Disney to swoop in and sue with little leverage for the artist to fight back. YouTube is rife with users and abusers who want to use copyrighted properties in their own works (the law allows use in reviews and parody), but due to the lax standards, any video containing anything can be stricken with copyright warnings. Worst case scenario, published works by authors and scientists can’t be used if they pass away, leaving what could be great art or a scientific breakthrough in legal limbo for nearly a century.

Disney is not alone in this, of course, but they are the main ones responsible for dragging out copyright as long as they have.

16. The LucasArts-EA Games debacle. When Disney bought Lucasfilm Ltd in 2012, Star Wars fans were mixed. They fretted that Disney was able to easily help or hinder the franchise, and seven years later, that still seems to be the case. It was bad enough Disney put an end to all the Star Wars novels and deemed them non-canon, but the video games developed at LucasArts were where many felt Disney dropped it big time.

LucasArts had been developing Star Wars games since the early nineties. But when Disney bought out Lucasfilm, they decided to halt all in-development Star Wars games. Several months later, it was announced that EA Games would be producing them for the next ten years. It’s bad enough they shut down the games LucasArts were working on, and it’s bad enough they signed with a company known for its anti-consumerist practices, employee abuse, and frequent acquisitions (Hey, wait a second…), but soon they added loot crates to the game. For those who don’t know, loot crates are in-game purchases that may include power-ups or useless add-ons. Because they require real money and no guarantee of a good result, some officials have considered this gambling, which is highly frowned upon, particularly when the industry is aimed at children.

In the end, Disney is no angel. In a way, it hurts more because we have let Disney into our hearts. Yeah, they’re a corporation, but damnit, it’s Disneyland and Winnie the Pooh and pirates and mermaids and princesses and clamshell VHS cases and collectible glasses and Happy Meal toys and that one t-shirt you wore all the time and never washed!

Death of the Author

There’s a concept in 20th century literary criticism known as “death of the author”. It essentially means that an author’s intent should hold no bearing on the work itself. Lots of think pieces have been written on J.R.R. Tolkien’s famous works and his attitudes concerning race, politics, and his personal involvement in WWI. This is understandable, considering there are definite allegories at play, intentional or not. Comic book writer Frank Miller is known for his works on Batman, but when you start to look at All-Star Batman and Robin or Holy Terror, you come to see how they turn out because in his interviews, he rarely holds back on his misogynistic, racist, authoritarian views.

But what if their work has no reflection on who they are? Or what if what they’ve done are who they are is so abhorrent, even though their work is incredible?

This painting is called L’Etoile by Edgar Degas. Lovely, isn’t it? It’s soft, graceful, and sophisticated. It’s a striking piece. Now what if I told you Degas was anti-Semitic? Would you still appreciate this painting? I’m sure you would, but your stomach might churn a little, because you don’t want to think a disgusting person could ever produce something of value. Today, our entertainment is full of wife beaters, drug users, hate mongers, conspiracy theorists, pedophiles, rapists, religious zealots, drinkers, even murderers, and yet our allegiances to them is touch and go, depending on who they are and what they’ve done. I went over some of these in this article I wrote way back when, particularly the ones who had history with Disney.

The problem is “death of the author” has become a lazy catch-all phrase to absolve one of guilt while they enjoy their work. And I suppose that’s what’s going on with me lately: I want to enjoy Disney as I used to. I want to watch their latest animated films, ride TRON coaster when it opens, even sign up for Disney+. But how can I? How can I hold myself a responsible and ethical person if I’m supporting a company that doesn’t hold itself to the standards it claims to hold itself to?

Can’t we all just get along?

I don’t think I’m alone in wanting Hollywood to stop with the bloodthirsty mentality and just get along. I want Star Wars to cross over with Star Trek. I want to see the Justice League battle with/alongside the Avengers. I want to see Bugs Bunny hang out with Mickey like they did in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. But as unlikely as that remains due to studio competition, it’s become equally as likely since Disney has been amassing so many other studios. What Disney seems to forget is competition is actually healthy for Disney, and this is historically proven.

When Disney started out in the twenties, the Alice comedies, Oswald, and Mickey’s had to compete with other silent features by having better animation, funnier gags, and with Mickey, sound. By the forties, Walt used artistic skill in animation to compete against the likes of Warner Brothers and Tom and Jerry cartoons. By the sixties, when shorts were a dying art and almost no one was making theatrical animated films, the studio had no need to try that hard. Why bother when you’re the king and there’s no one to challenge you? As a result, the film output got less and less ambitious. You may love Robin Hood, The Aristocats, or The Rescuers, but would you call them artistically or thematically profound?

They didn’t really return to form until the mid-to-late eighties. A lot of reasons exist as to why it happened, but I still think a big contributor was Don Bluth, a former Disney animator who left the mouse in 1979 to build his own studio. He ended creating some of the best-loved animated films of the decade: The Secret of NIMH (1982), The Land Before Time (1988), An American Tail (1986), and All Dogs go to Heaven (1989). At a time when studio executives thought no one liked animated cartoons because returns in Disney films were dwindling, Bluth proved quality would win out above all, and forced Disney to wise up and make movies worth going to see in theaters. It assisted in the rise on the nineties renaissance we all know and love now.

So if Disney continues to consume everything in its path, they run the risk of growing complacent. We demand Hollywood give us good, quality entertainment, and while good movies drive ticket sales, they’re not easily quantifiable. Of course, that’s being optimistic. Disney getting watered down is the least of our problems.

The future has arrived today

Monopoly isn’t just a board game. And even though Disney passed the inspection of anti-trust laws when they bought Fox, it’s not exactly comforting. After all, if Disney could spend so much to extend copyright laws, how hard can it be to get approval on one massively powerful studio absorbing another? And even if they are unable to acquire Warner Brothers or Universal, what’s to stop them from controlling the market, setting the standards and bullying the competition into submission? Far be it from me to invoke the “slippery slope” fallacy, but tell me that doesn’t sound like a real, terrifying possibility.

And that, my friends, is my conundrum in a nutshell. How can I enjoy my favorite shows, movies, and rides when they’re produced by a company has done horrible things and may plunge us into another 1984?

I guess if I had to come up with any sort of suggestion, it’s to invest only in what we approve of. Of course, I dare not be naïve enough to say this will be enough, but if it damages their bottom line, they’ll rectify it. While no one will stop buying annual passes, eventually the prices will rise so high they’ll be unattainable. I still squirm at Disney having their own streaming service, and maybe others feel enough of the same way.

Another way we can prod Disney in the right direction is to make it known on the internet. The only thing Disney cares about besides money is its image. They want us to think of ol’ Uncle Walt and his rags to riches story. It’s why they won’t touch Song of the South. If enough people shout long and hard enough on social media, Disney will have no choice but to rectify the changes, but only if we’re united and specific. And no, I don’t mean petitioning them to remake Last Jedi, I mean real, positive change. And not just griping, either. Offer suggestions how to improve, because “Disney live action remakes suck” isn’t helpful.

I know my suggestions aren’t terribly unique, insightful, or effective, but they’re all I’ve got. And I hope I’ve got you to start thinking about what you can do to help the company be better than what they are, and make us proud to be Disney fans once again.

The Sword in the Stone (1963)

In 1937, Bill “You’re damn right I’m changing my last name to Peet” Peed joined the Disney Studio as an in-betweener animator. After a few years, he, uh…moved on to story art (And by moved on, I mean it’s documented he ran out of the studio crying “No more lousy ducks!”). Story artists, even today, are tasked to draw out a movie in the form of a long comic strip so the producers, directors, and writers can best visualize a movie long before they waste so much time and money on animation if something doesn’t work. Peet seemed to have found his calling here, as he spent nearly thirty years drafting sketches for 13 films and 11 shorts. However, to say the man was happy is far from the truth.

Peet was a very stubborn, passionate man, and he worked for another man who was similarly stubborn and passionate. But Walt Disney respected his artistry and creativity so much that despite numerous confrontations, Peet stayed at the studio. Walt trusted him so much by the time 101 Dalmatians (1961) was in production, Peet was the only credited writer aside from the original book’s author, Dodie Smith.

After Dalmatians, story artist Ken Anderson and animator Marc Davis were working on an adaptation of Chanticleer, but Peet saw it as futile. Why? Get this: he claimed they couldn’t get a personality out of a chicken. He went his own way and started doing drafts on T. H. White’s The Sword in the Stone, a property the studio had since 1939. Walt sat in on the pitch for Chanticleer and didn’t care for what he saw, but evidently enjoyed Peet’s project. The animators were understandably upset, but had no choice.

And now it’s time we take a look at this whiz-bang whizard of whimsy and watch this wonderful wizarding world!

The plot: the great wizard Merlin (Karl Swenson) and his educated owl Archimedes (Junius Matthews) meets a young, waifish boy named Arthur, but he’s simply known as Wart. Convinced the boy is destined for greatness, Merlin tags along with him and settles in the castle, under the wary gaze of the stubbornly oafish Sir Ector (Sebastian Cabot) and the boorish Kay (Norman Alden). While Wart is expected by Ector to tend to Kay’s every need in his potential knighthood, Merlin invests in Wart’s future. He takes Wart on outings, teaching him the importance of brain over muscle as he turns the boy into a fish, a squirrel, and a sparrow. Maybe this education could come in use someday if England gains a once and future king.

How’s the writing?: It’s immediately evident the story doesn’t just not follow a typical three act structure, but it also comes off as very relaxed and slow paced. It’s not about high fantasy with grand sorcery or adventures beyond the Shire. Its not about battles and swordfights or mythical creatures and quests. It’s about a playful old codger using his magic to do what seem like quaint, charming things for quaint, charming reasons. He uses his magic for education, making sure Wart learns his mind is a far superior tool than any magic wand or flexed muscle.

The movie can annoy those who expect more than that, though. Never mind the titular blade is discussed in the intro and not touched upon until the final five minutes of the film. For all its insinuated promises of magic and sorcery, it’s pretty light on it. The movie also goes at a leisurely pace, not unlike an educational short. First time viewers may be unprepared for a classic Disney animated film that’s pretty light on action and adventure. Even with skirmishes between a pike, a wolf, and Madam Mim, The film’s sense of excitement is fairly minimal. It’s basically a diet Disney film.

Does it give the feels?: There’s only one area where there are some feels generated, and it’s all courtesy of one character who has no bearing on the general plot: the little red girl squirrel. (Not the same thing as Marvel’s Unbeatable Squirrel Girl)

When Merlin and Wart are squirrels, Wart bumps into a female squirrel who takes an eager shine to him immediately. Wart, put off by her enthusiasm, tries to get away from her, until a wolf tries to eat him. From there, she goes full-on savage all to save Wart.

So imagine the look on her face when Merlin turns him back into a human. She actually becomes heartbroken, nay devastated, yet incredibly confused. Merlin and Wart quietly discuss the power of love, and it’s really kind of sweet and incredible. I once had a friend devise a head canon that that squirrel would later ask Madam Mim to turn her human, and she’s later become the infamous Guinevere.

And yet they didn’t make a sequel with that in mind? I’d watch it.

Who makes it worth it?: Without a doubt, the best character is Merlin. That should be no surprise, considering Peet modeled Merlin after Walt Disney himself.

Merlin is a cantankerous, fussy, but playful old coot with a twinkle of mischief in his eye. He delights in using his magic for fun and educational purposes. I’m glad he doesn’t stumble into the trope of being scatterbrained or forgetful, but he does seem a touch absent-minded at times. His relationship with the grumpy Archimedes is a joy to watch. And perhaps most unique, he incorporates science in his magic. He frequently refers to locomotives and airplanes and other things that you’d hear in a science classroom, which makes it a very clever take on a medieval wizard. Sure, Prospero can conjure a storm, Harry Potter can play Quidditch, Dr. Strange can bend time, and Gandalf can take on a Balrog and die and resurrect himself…but Merlin can make a model train run on tea! That is a truly underappreciated skill!

Best quality provided: By far the best part of the film is the Wizard’s Duel. I’m sure Peet had an absolute blast planning it out, the animators has a blast drawing it, and I have a blast every time I watch it.

When Mim challenges Merlin to duel for what I guess is ownership of Wart, the two have a duel by changing into different animals to attack each other. It’s a sequence that lasts just over four minutes of the two switching between various animals, and it’s funny and intense. The designs are great, right down to the color-coding between Merlin’s blues and Mim’s magentas. But it’s also great when you notice how Mim turns into big, carnivorous animals, but Merlin frequently turns into smaller, less fearsome animals. You see how each one employs their own strategies in the battle right down to Mim’s final cheating move.

Mim herself is a delight, a batty old witch who gets utter joy in watching misery and unpleasantness. Supposedly, Walt wanted someone more intimidating, akin to Snow White’s Queen or Maleficent. But Peet protested, not only because they’d done that before, but because she ought to be Merlin’s equal. And I totally get it. Maleficent is great, but Mim just cackles whenever she wins anything, like a bratty child. Definitely gets points for not being just another austere, refined dame.

Actually, scratch that other sequel. A buddy comedy starring Maleficent and Madam Mim. They’re roommates. Make it happen.

What could have been improved: The first and by far most distracting issue is Wart’s voice. Originally, Wart was voiced by director Wolfgang “Woolie” Reitherman’s sons, Robert and Richard Reitherman. (His third son, Bruce, would play Mowgli in 1967’s The Jungle Book). However, due to their ages, their voices broke, and Disney hired a third boy, Rickie Sorensen, whose voice was definitely broken. There are multiple scenes where this is incredibly obvious and distracting, especially when the dialogue tracks are placed right next to each other, which happens at least twice in the movie. I would cut Woolie a break, since it was his first directing credit (He directed all six animated features the studio released up through 1981’s The Fox and the Hound), but c’mon.

Sometimes I think the movie just didn’t quite know what to do with itself. There are lots of moments of padding or just generally lacking direction, particularly in a character like Pellinore. The character alerts Sir Ector about the jousting tournament for the crown, but his gimmick is his massive mustache, which he keeps sniffing and swishing. It’s really just one scene where he does it three times, but it’s really weird. Then you get Hobs, a character referred to twice, even taking Wart’s place as squire, even though we never see him. The wolf is at least kind of interesting, but he doesn’t do anything that services the plot, other than just get beat up or defeated as though he were Wile E. Coyote’s spiritual successor.

The songs are bland. And it’s a shame, too, because these are the Sherman Brothers! Less than a year later, they’d give the world “Chim Chim Cher-ee” and “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”! Here, their songs just feel uninspired. “That’s What Makes the World go ‘Round”, and “A Most Befuddling Thing” don’t add anything productive. “Mad Madam Mim” is a spoken word track. The only one I like, on the far end of the scale, might I add, is “Higitus Figitus”, another nonsense song that doesn’t do anything, but has a fun melody to it.

Verdict: Yes, there are parts of it that bother or bore me, but the parts with Merlin and Archimedes and Mim are delightful. I’d rather watch a dull movie about them than one with perfect action and animation where they’re dull or uninteresting. I’ve heard Bryan Cogman, producer of Game of Thrones, is writing a version made for Disney+ streaming service, which launches this fall. I hope that lighthearted tone is kept, and Merlin and Archimedes and Mim are just as fun and entertaining, but considering what I’ve seen in the past seven seasons of his show, I have my doubts. The Sword in the Stone is best when viewed on an overcast day on your day off, bringing just enough humor and charm to just brighten up your day. I award this film, the last animated film Walt saw through completion, a humble seven Excaliburs out of ten.

Peet, by the way, would start a draft of The Jungle Book after this movie. However, his attitude clashed with Walt for the last time, and he left the studio in January of 1964, barely a month after The Sword in the Stone‘s release. But don’t feel bad for him, exactly. Since 1959, Peet has gained serious acclaim as a children’s book author, for such titles as The Wump World, The Whingdingdilly, Cyrus, the Unsinkable Serpent, Hubert’s Hair-Raising Adventure, Chester, the Worldly Pig, and The Ant and the Elephant. So if his name sounds familiar, that’s probably why.

Aladdin (1992)

When Robin Williams was approached by Disney in 1991 to voice the Genie in their newest animated production, Aladdin, he had doubts. He’d never done anything like this before. But he felt he owed Disney a massive solid by not only producing his first-ever movie (Popeye, 1982), but when he was going through an ugly divorce, Disney helped his PR by having him star in Good Morning Vietnam (1987) and Dead Poets Society (1989). Not to mention, Eric Goldberg’s animation of a genie synced to his 1979 album Reality, What a Concept was mind-blowingly awesome. Then-studio head Jeffrey Katzenberg reminded the comedian he hadn’t done a movie that was appropriate for his young children. Williams relented, but because animation still wasn’t considered a terribly lucrative medium (Beauty and the Beast had yet to premiere months later), he was content to minimum SAG pay. The proviso…a quid pro quo being that Disney not use him or the Genie in advertising. Why? Barry Levinson, director of Good Morning Vietnam and friend of Robin, was going to release his new movie Toys around the same time Aladdin was set to be released, and he wanted audiences to go see his friend’s Robin Williams-starring movie rather than the Disney Robin Williams-starring movie. Katzenberg agreed, but this was just the beginning of many headaches for Disney, Jeffrey Katzenberg, and Robin Williams.

Today, the Genie is seen as one of the greatest Disney characters ever made, and an incredible amount of credit has to be given to Williams. Thanks to this character, he became so beloved by fans around the world that the mere idea of Aladdin’s Genie not played by Robin is almost completely abhorrent. Like, say…if an incredibly charismatic black man from West Philadelphia, born and raised, were to try on the curly-toed shoes, well…

And in celebration of the latest remake of a classic animated Disney movie, I suggest we take a magic carpet ride back back to 1992 and give a close look at this film. So arrive in Agrabah for an aerial, Arabian adventure in awesome animation!

The plot: Royal vizier Jafar (Jonathon Freeman) has found the elusive, enchanted entrance to the Cave of Wonders, where only “a diamond in the rough” may enter, who turns out to be homeless boy, or “street rat” named Aladdin (Scott Weinger). He is arrested and urged to venture into the cave to retrieve a lost magic lamp, but he ultimately gets trapped inside. However, his luck turns when he finds he is now the master of an all-powerful Genie who can grant him three wishes. Aladdin starts using his wishes to win the affections of princess Jasmine (Linda Larkin).

Jasmine is tired of the palace life, and more significantly, resents being just “a prize to be won”. Aladdin has to learn what it means to be true to himself and others instead of relying on the Genie’s magic to solve his problems.

How’s the writing?: It definitely is one of the better-written Disney movies. A lot of that has to do with directors John Musker and Ron Clements, who know how to write animated comedies that are neither too goofy or too serious (The Little Mermaid, Hercules, The Princess and Frog, and Moana). This is Arabia as we Americans visualized it in 1992 (Though given the most exposure to the Middle East most Americans had was the 1990’s Gulf War, that’s not a compliment). Not exactly a monument to political correctness, but it wasn’t Mickey in Arabia, either. It definitely took a fantastic perspective, and a lot of that comes from its comedic tone. What makes it work is being legitimately funny.

The writers on Aladdin were Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio, who also worked on the scripts for the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and Dreamworks’ Shrek. These men were instrumental to working alongside Musker and Clements, whose tastes seemed to meld perfectly (They would work together again for 2002’s Treasure Planet). As a result, the story flows, the characters are believable, and the lesson feels earned. To drive the point home, the original draft called for Aladdin to be younger and still have his mother, and use one of the two genies (The other being the Genie of the ring), and use their powers for infinite wishes instead of just three. While I would have loved to have seen the arc of Aladdin struggling to make his mother proud through the genie’s magic, the agreement to settle on just three wishes was a smart choice.

Does it give the feels?: Aladdin could very easily have been made to be a reprehensible character. After all, he is essentially cheating to win over pretty rich girl. But Aladdin’s struggle is a relatable one. He knows he legally can’t court her, plus he feels his inherit work is not enough. But when he does put on an act of bravado as “Prince Ali Ababwa”, he fumbles awkwardly and Jasmine sees right through it. Plus the movie frames this through Genie, Carpet, and Abu’s reactions as very stupid moves on Aladdin’s part.

Which brings me to the most emotional part of the movie. After Aladdin thinks Jafar is gone and he’s set to marry Jasmine, it hits him that the use of the Genie’s magic was a short-term gain, long-term loss. He’d promised the Genie he’d grant him his greatest wish, but in realizing he’d backed himself into a corner, his hands are tied unless he comes clean, which could mean he’d lose everything. Robin, a comedian who became known as a great dramatic actor thanks to Vietnam and Dead Poet’s, delivers a surprising amount of sincere, tragic emotion in only three lines from a character who spent an entire movie riffing on 20th century pop culture. That’s truly impressive. Better still, when Jafar usurps the throne, the drama piggybacks on this moment, and we watch Aladdin get stripped of everything…more than he worried he’d lose if he’d just told the truth. And it makes it all the sweeter when heads back to the palace to take down Jafar.

Who makes it worth it?: Yeah, it’s no contest. Genie wins. Wish-ality.

But why? Why does the Genie charm and amuse when other sidekicks like Phil, Mushu, Quasi’s gargoyles, or Terk often falter or outright fail? Is it Robin himself? Sort of. He’s funny, but even Ferngully: the Last Rainforest and Robots weren’t wholly saved as much as Aladdin was. Even the third movie, Aladdin and the King of Thieves was just mediocre by comparison. Was it that Robin’s material was ad-libbed? True, Williams was given plenty of free reign, but there are numerous comedian-driven movies that flop when they’re not given enough parameters to temper their impulses.

Ultimately, it came down to a great marriage. On one hand, you have a comedian known for his manic energy, riffing whatever comes to mind, who can nail impressions and accents. The other, animation that can make him literally become anything and everything. Diegetically, he’s a spirit who can transcend space and time. Not only has he been pent-up in a brass teapot in a subterranean cavern for ten millennia, but he can do literally anything. That’s why as funny as they can be, the others just don’t click as well as Williams does. Terk doing an Elvis impression is cute, but Genie probably met the guy. Pumbaa shouldn’t know what stars are, but Genie could probably breathe in space. Phil shouldn’t be able to grasp the enduring legacy of Greek mythology, even with cheeky dismissal, but Genie might’ve watched the Titanomachy like a Detroit Redwings game.

Yes, it began the tradition that animated films “needed” a funny sidekick, voiced by a stand-up comedian, to scream pop culture jokes, but we can’t blame Robin, Ted, Terry, John, or Ron for that. It was simply lightning in a bottle. It was, for lack of a better word, magic.

Best quality provided: There are plenty of great things in this movie, and the animation is absolutely incredible. The art style was inspired by Al Hirschfeld, a political cartoonist whose signature drawing style involved lots of swooping, elegant curves to emphasize fluid movement. While most of the characters have this art style subtly drawn into their style, the Genie has this most blatantly. Mostly because he is a spirit of undefined substance, his design (masterfully done by animator Eric Goldberg) is fluid, energetic, and very, very Herschfeldian.

What could have been improved: I mentioned before that there was a previous version of Aladdin before the rewrites took ahold. However, there were some serious casualties, including several songs. The most tragic of these was “Proud of Your Boy”.

In the OG script, Aladdin’s mother was a central figure. Aladdin was using the Genie’s magic less to impress the princess and more to make his mother proud of him. As Jasmine became a more prominent character, the mother became less and less important. In the end, she didn’t survive the cut. Despite the loss, the writers struggled to keep “Proud of Your Boy”, possibly as a way to sing to his mother in heaven, but it never came to be, and it’s a damn shame.

“Proud of Your Boy” is about Aladdin’s promise to his mother to stop screwing things up. It’s no empty promise, either. He knows he’s let her down too many times to count. And he’s truly sorry. The song is perfectly legato and sounds genuinely heartbreaking. As a young adult who’s had his fair share of screwups, I can really relate to this song. I think we all go through a period in which we want to make our moms and/or dads proud of us, so it’s a shame this song wasn’t used. On the 2004 Platinum Edition DVD release, a cover performed by American Idol winner Clay Aiken was on it, but I couldn’t stand it. Do me, I love the raw version as done by composer Alan Menken. It just feels so beautiful.

Now, do I want this song put into the movie, just like Disney did for “Human Again” in Beauty and the Beast, or “Morning Report” for The Lion King? No. As it stands, the addition of the song would slow things down too much. We got its spiritual successor, “One Jump Ahead (Reprise)”, that is not only a more appropriate length, but better reflects the previous scenes in context. To hear the song, click here. You’ll be glad you did.

Verdict: Action. Comedy. Romance. Aladdin has it all. I really love this movie. It’d be stretch to say this is in my top ten, but top 15, easy. I find it that good. I give this nine magic lamps out of ten.

Now, I suppose I ought to reward you with the rest of Robin’s saga with Disney, shouldn’t I? Well, here it is:

When Robin recorded his lines for Aladdin, it simply went too well. Katzenberg was kicking himself for agreeing to not promote or advertise what was easily the best thing about the movie. Numerous times, he went behind Robin’s back to promote Aladdin, violating the agreement. As Robin feared, Toys bombed, and Aladdin took off. Never mind the Juilliard-trained actor was getting credited for only his voice, and the disingenuousness of Katzenberg, but now he was kicking himself for agreeing to be paid so little…which meant he didn’t even get a cut of the revenue. He left Disney.

Some years later, after Katzenberg left, Disney publicly apologized to Robin. He agreed to return, taking over Dan Castellaneta’s recordings for Aladdin and the King of Thieves, as well as starring in 1996’s Jack and 2000’s Bicentennial Man. But when the budget got curtailed, Robin left again. He returned to Disney for 2009’s Old Dogs with John Travolta, a despicably unfunny comedy. Robin passed away in 2014, but there was one more surprise: as one last middle finger to Disney, a clause in his will declared that all unused recordings he left for Aladdin can not be used for 25 years after his death. So by 2039, expect to hear Disney announce a new movie starring the posthumous Williams.

In the meantime, cut Will Smith some slack.

For more details on this whole ordeal, click on this link to read the account as reported by Jim Hill.

Tower of Terror (1997)

Michael Eisner loved Hollywood. During his tenure at Disney (1984 – 2005), Eisner had a lot to do with the modernization of the Walt Disney Company, and a lot of that was adapting to being more Hollywood. In the eighties, while there were several movies that had a big-name star or two, it wasn’t until after he took over where he starting having multiple big names taking over their movies and theme park attractions. He was the CEO at Paramount prior to switching to Disney, where he was on a board of directors who listened to a pitch from Universal about a movie-themed park in Florida (When he spearheaded Disney-MGM Studios in the late eighties, he vehemently denied any sort of correlation, despite the suspicious coincidence). He even persisted in 2001, where Disney’s California Adventure had a whole section dedicated to Hollywood. But above all, he loved schmoozing and rubbing elbows with the Hollywood elite, trying to get them in on various Disney projects. Among other high-profile entertainers? Mel Brooks.

You read that right. Mel Brooks. Supposedly after Disney-MGM opened, an idea was pitched where riders would ride through a recreation of a set of his 1974 classic Young Frankenstein, and be an out-and-out scary ride. The idea evolved into “Hotel Mel”, which took the park theming even further, where it became more of a ride-through of various horror movies complete with wacky sight gags, all with that irreverent Mel Brooks touch. But when the idea failed to gel, mostly due to Eisner’s drive to create a genuinely scary ride to rope in that elusive teenage demographic, the imagineers revisited their desire to build a drop ride. In 1994, Disney opened a new section of the park, where Sunset Boulevard would wind down to an abandoned, coral-colored edifice that bore char marks, flickering neon, and rusted wrought-iron gates. Welcome…to The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror.

Why The Twilight Zone? No clue. After all, the property was owned by CBS, not MGM or Disney. But regardless, the ride instantly became a fan favorite, with similar ones popping up in Anaheim (2004), Tokyo (2006), and France (2007). But Eisner – in typical Eisner fashion – knew he had to synergize this famous E-ticket attraction. How? With a made-for-TV movie on The Wonderful World of Disney, three years after the ride opened.

Trip trepidatiously toward the terrifying, tumultuous tower!

The plot: Buzzy Crocker (Steve Gutenberg) is a tabloid journalist, who creates sensational stories and makes photos of them. His niece, Anna (Kirsten Dunst), is often roped in on the action, and while Buzzy clearly isn’t the best influence, she still enjoys getting in on his stories.

One afternoon, an elderly woman named Abigail Gregory (Amzie Strickland), begs Buzzy to report the Hollywood Tower Hotel legend. On October 31st, 1939, a young Hollywood couple, a child actress, her nanny, and the bellhop boarded the elevator to attend the party on the top floor, but a bolt of lightning struck the building and all five disappeared. Abigail reveals the child actress, Sally Shine, was her sister, and only on Halloween can the magic spell be broken.

Magic spell? Well, not only does Abigail suspect the nanny was to blame for their disappearances by dabbling in black magic, but the five ultimately became ghosts. They reach out to Buzzy, Anna and groundskeeper Q (Michael McShane), and beg them to fix the elevator so they can reach the party and have the curse lifted.

How’s the writing?: It’s not great. They get some good characterization down, but the story is a mess. Even for a TV movie. Especially one based on a thrill ride.

Now, the ride itself is already a confusing narrative. If you are the star of The Twilight Zone, why are you voluntarily boarding and elevator that will take you to the fifth dimension? How and why do you make it back to the real world when you exit? What does yo-yoing up and down an elevator shaft have to do with plummeting to…the Twilight Zone? It’s a flimsy premise, to say the least. But on top of that, one must remember it’s a thrill ride first and a story second. For as well-themed and intricate the narrative is, its primary duty is to be an exhilarating experience for parkgoers. The movie, however, resigned itself to just add a ton of crap that just cluttered what should have been a simple plot.

For starters, I failed to mention a whole subplot where Buzzy reveals he used to work for a legit newspaper until he published an unproven political scandal, which got him fired, hence why he does tabloids now. And how his ex is the editor, and he hounds her as badly as Pépé le Pew in trying to get back in her paper. Do you care? I don’t. Also, Q’s grandpa was the missing bellhop and he will inherit the hotel once the mystery disappearance is figured out. Also, Buzzy strikes up a possible casual romance with one of the ghosts. Also, Abigail has ulterior motives. Also, they have to cast a spell that is contrary to the original while fixing the service elevator and the main elevator. Also, they have to do all of this by Halloween night at 8:05 p.m. when the lightning bolt struck, and…aaaaarrrrgh!

It’s overkill, plain and simple, for no real reason. I still struggle to find why Abigail needed a tabloid writer to…do what she needed to do, something I’m still not clear on why the spell was only half-completed. Or why Abigail started the whole thing by having Buzzy investigate the nanny. And above all else for this ride based on The Twilight Zone, you may have noticed I have neglected to mention something.

Yeah. No Rod Serling, no ominous music, no nuanced touches of the fantastic. There is nothing Twilight Zone about this movie. To its credit, it couldn’t really be shoved in here any, save as some kind of framing for the movie, but all the same, you feel cheated, like if Pirates of the Caribbean didn’t have pirates or if Space Mountain just flew around the Earth. But what it does is rob the premise of its otherworldly implication as to why this happened. It’s never revealed on the ride why the five disappeared to the fifth dimension, and that was the TV show’s strength in playing with the ambiguity. But here? It’s black magic. Here’s the literal spell book and it’s a curse that’s meant to be reversed. And there is a definite happy ending, unlike most Twilight Zone episodes, that usually ended in weary relief with a side of confusion at best.

Does it give the feels?: Being a Disney product on local TV in the late nineties, there’s some definite cheesiness here that feels forced. Skip to “Who makes it worth it?” if you don’t want this part spoiled for you.

You good? Okay. The final twist is that the party at the Tip-Top Club was really meant for Abigail. (Aaw!) because Halloween is her birthday! (Aaw!) And Sally never forgot about her sister even though she felt forgotten! (Aaw!) And Abigail is just so very sorry she tried to kill them all…again! (Aaw!) And the curse is lifted when the sisters forgive each other! (Aaw!)

Seriously, this crap is hammered in in the last fifteen minutes and it just feels so damned forced. It’s more like Are You Afraid of the Dark? if it were made by…well, Disney. It’s saccharine in a story that only needed characters you can feel for. As in, ones you don’t want to die. But looking at such an obnoxious twit like Buzzy, he’s just so unlikeable. At most, I feel bad for teenaged Dunst forced to dress like Sally Shine, because it just looks so bad. Even the ghosts, particularly Gilbert, are just kinda jerks.

Who makes it worth it?: None of these performances are really worth remembering. You can tell these guys showed up, read their lines, got their paycheck, and left. They’re not being lazy, just uninspired. At best, I’d nominate Carolyn, the woman in the aforementioned Hollywood couple, who channels the most sincerity, even if it doesn’t seem particularly inspired. She has an inherent charm to her, but it’s not enough to save this movie.

Best quality provided: Well…it is ambitious, I’ll give it that. There are parts that feel relatively cheap or simple, and they tried to compensate with a tangled plot. There’s something to respect there. They could have just thrown in anything and called it a day, but there is definite thought put together, even if it doesn’t seem particularly cohesive. After all, lest we forget, it’s the very first movie based off a Disney attraction. And it was made for ABC as a one-shot television special, not a theatrical release. So, it has elements that work. I mean, at least it isn’t incompetent. It’s ambitious without be pretentious.

What could have been improved: Oh Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, if I were in charge, I’d send them back to the writers’ room.

In fact, if it were up to me, I’d suggest the movie be something like Citizen Kane: some sort of mockumentary where journalists and investigators are trying to figure out what happened, only in the end to end it on an ambiguous, haunting note. Because when you get down to it, The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror is less about story than it is about ambiance and atmosphere. It’s about feeling the unknown, the mysterious, the surreal. The creepy sense you get that something’s not quite right, and you can’t put your finger on why or how. For a made-for-TV movie, especially in 1997, by Disney, this isn’t surprising. But it could have so much cooler, like the ride millions have screamed on through the past 25 years.

Verdict: This movie could have been a cool, unique, undersung gem. Very few made-for-TV movies, unless they’re Disney Channel movies, get much exposure beyond a DVD release. This one has the added benefit of being sold at Tower Hotel Gifts, the signature gift shop as you exit the attraction. Plus, being forever inextricably linked to a beloved thrill ride. I just wish this could have been a great follow-up to a great ride.

Supposedly, as late as 2015, a remake of this was in the works, but things have been mum since then. And it’s a shame, too, because there is potential here. But in this version, it’s just an overcomplicated story that has no sense of nuance. Sorry, guys. This one gets a paltry three bellhop hats out of ten.

So should this next remake make its way to your local cinema, it would be best to appreciate a chance to start anew, and that no matter how disappointing things get, it can always get get better in…the Twilight Zone.

Cinderella (1950)

After slogging through the package era of the late forties, Walt was desperate to get back into doing regular, full-length animation. Not to mention, he had projects like Alice In Wonderland, Peter Pan, and Lady and the Tramp in the works as far back as the late thirties. In fact, look at this screenshot from 1940’s Pinocchio on the left hand side. See any titles that look familiar?

How about this from 1941’s The Reluctant Dragon?

Of course, when you have a bajillion creative ideas and no money, you just gotta deal and accrue capital just so you can splurge on something you really, really, want to make. Like, say, a new fairy tale adaptation you may or may not personally identify with? So in 1950, Walt Disney gambled heavily in producing a brand new animated feature, his first non-package feature since 1943’s Bambi, Cinderella.

Let fancy a friendly feast in finding this feature film!

The plot: A young woman named Cinderella (Ilene Woods) is basically a serf to her cruel stepmother, Lady Tremaine (Eleanor Audley), and equally despicable stepsisters Anastasia (Lucille Bliss) and Drizella (Rhoda Williams). Meanwhile, the king desperately wants grandkids, so he prepares a ball for his son, inviting all eligible maidens in the kingdom. Cinderella wants to go, but her family goes as far as shredding her dress to prevent her from attending. This prompts the arrival of her fairy godmother (Verna Felton) to whip up a little magic and allow her to attend the ball. Will she get the happily ever after she’s dreamed of for so long?

How’s the writing?: A key feature in this film is something that is incredibly difficult to pull off if a Cinderella movie were made today: sincerity. Cinderella is such a renowned story from various parts of the world. In addition, Cinderella has been told, re-told, recapped, adapted, spun, recycled, twisted, rehashed, and told once more for posterity so many times that the “The Plot” section from above is more pointless than a direct-to-video sequel. (Wait…they did? How many? Two?! And the one about time travel was halfway decent?! What in ambivalent deity almighty’s name-right. Review.). Anyway, my point is that the story of our ashen-named maiden is not a new one. And in trying to adapt to modern sensibilities, they keep trying new gimmicks to keep the story seeming fresh and new. Especially since, you know, we all know how the story ends. Disney themselves tried this 28 years earlier, when Walt and Ub’s start-up business Laugh-O-Grams made a “modern” version, taking place in the roaring twenties. Then we remember the 2015 Kenneth Branagh film where it had an over-extended backstory, lavish costumes, and a few plot twists that just kind cluttered an otherwise streamlined story.

But the 1950 animated film doesn’t need gimmicks. Yes, there is a lot of the movie dedicated to the mice and Lucifer. Yes, the shoe breaking near the end is a bit of a twist. But there is zero cynicism. No snarky commentary. (Okay, fine, there’s a moment when the Grand Duke prattles off typical tropes as they happen at one point, but it’s a joke so understated it’s kind of brilliant). It’s a fairy tale fully committed to making a good story without feeling the need to get meta. Honestly, for as dull as it may be, it is refreshing. Because sometimes a fairy tale just needs to be a fairy tale.

Does it give the feels?: Going on that idea alone, I would say decidedly yes. If you’re willing to relax and indulge in a sweet tale like this, something’s gonna nail you in the heart.

First is the dress-ripping scene. It’s staged and executed brilliantly. The setup is incredible: Cinderella, excited and thrilled to be going, is dressed in such a baby-pink dress she looks even more innocent than usual. You watch Lady Tremaine meticulously orchestrate the inevitable fracas, with Cinderella’s eyes growing wide. Once the sisters launch into their destructive tirade, the gradient red background is vivid and horrendously intense. Cinderella’s reactions are sickening…all before it goes creepily quiet, and the calm demeanor of the villains just emphasizes their inherit cruelty.

The second is when Cinderella gets locked in her tower. Cinderella is not known for her vibrant personality, but it still hurts to see someone suffer so needlessly, only for her clear shot to happiness is shut down by such a spiteful woman. Just hearing her desperate pleas is agony.

Who makes it worth it?: I’ve always been more partial to comedy than really any other form of entertainment. As such, Cinderella is kind of a dry movie for me, considering how relatively bland Cinderella herself can be. The mice and Lucifer are funny, no doubt, but even their gravelly chatter can be kind of obnoxious. No, for me, I love the fairy godmother.

I’ve seen so many adaptations where the fairy godmother is a straight-up comic figure. It makes sense: a magical being whose purpose in the story is to do magic things. Magic, being the be-all, end-all of random everything because it’s magic. This kind of thing reached its zenith with Robin Williams’ Genie in Aladdin, but back in Walt’s time, humor wasn’t so fast-paced and manic. Even Alice in Wonderland seems slow in comparison to the Genie.

I think about Helena Bonham Carter’s interpretation, who came across as just kind of wacky because the actress does things like that. It fell flat. Even Whitney Houston just kind of trusted her own natural charisma to carry the role. But Verna Felton played it carefully, like a sweet grandmother. She’s silly, a tad forgetful, and kind, but it’s not exaggerated. She’s just a sweet older woman who happens to possess some magic with just a touch of whimsy. She was a unique take who didn’t need strong wit or spastic movements to be the great character she turned out to be.

Best quality provided: The art is gorgeous. The concept art was done by Mary Blair, and it shows. She did concept art for movies like The Three Caballeros, Alice in Wonderland, and Peter Pan, but her simple, pastel shapes are best known as the aesthetics for It’s a Small World. Her artwork was adapted beautifully and the backgrounds look as every bit the fairy tale images you want them to be. Even the sense of scale is incredible, from the grand entryway of the castle to the towering stairs to Cinderella’s room.

What could have been improved: So…was the subplot with the king really necessary?

The subplots with the mice and the king are meant to pad out the movie as well as provide additional comedy to fully flesh out the world. Otherwise, Cindy’s story is a half hour long at best. And while I understand how some find the King’s antics with the Grand Duke are seen as funny, they do nothing for me, and worse, rob any and all autonomy from who should be the more important character, the prince.

The King’s motive is clear: he wants grandchildren because he’s lonely. But he’s such an over-the-top eccentric I get lost in watching him what basically amount to insane temper tantrums. I mean, doesn’t he have a kingdom to run? Give King Triton or the Sultan a break: at least they seem level-headed enough to understand the pressures of ruling a kingdom. The king here bounces on his bed, swiping his sword at the Grand Duke in a fit of uncontrolled rage. And for a guy so dead set on getting a wife for his son, why does he duck outfit the ball so early?

Yes, it’s nitpicky. I admit. It’s extra comedy that I’m thinking too deep about. And his leaving is meant to shift the conflict up for the Duke for the rest of the movie. I get it. But I can’t help but wonder if there might have been better ways to set up and develop the king?

Verdict: I’d be lying if I said I watch this one a lot. While the bits with the king annoy me, they don’t hamper the rest of the movie. It’s a classic Disney movie for good reason. I award this story eight misplaced glass slippers out of ten.

Wait…why doesn’t the castle at Walt Disney World look anything like the one in the movie?

Disney’s Fluppy Dogs

It’s 1986. The Disney company had decided to take a gamble and start making animated TV shows. Sure, they’d been using television since 1950, and making their own weekly entertainment since 1955, but animation made exclusively for television? Hannah-Barbera had that market cornered. Fortunately, Disney had a decent head start a year prior when they kicked off their first animated shows, The Wuzzles, which ran one season, and The Adventures of the Gummi Bears, which would go on for four seasons. Their third outing was Fluppy Dogs.

Now I’ve said before that DuckTales is Disney’s miraculous third-ever show, but there’s an asterisk in there. See, There’s a reason you probably never heard of this one. It aired on ABC as an hour-long pilot on Thanksgiving Day in 1986…and it stopped there. The Nielsen ratings were reportedly so low, Disney opted to not pick up the series. Was it the right call?

Please present your perfectly precious Pound Puppy parodies in this positively peculiar production!

The plot: Five extra-dimensional, bipedal, sentient dog-like creatures called fluppies – Stanley, Ozzie, Tippi, Bink, and Dink – are hopping universe to universe in a desperate attempt to get back home. They stumble into our world and are mistaken for run-the-mill dogs, and a young boy named Jamie adopts the leader, Stanley. However, Jamie soon learns their secret and vows to help them all get back. But the town millionaire, Mr. Wagstaff, is determined to capture these once-thought mythical creatures for his big game collection.

How’s the writing?: When you compare it to anything from the era, like Gummi Bears or DuckTales, it’s stands…pretty level. There are no side-splitting jokes, but neither are there bad ones. It’s a simple plot (sorta), but it’s not a bad one. It has no riveting hook, but it’s not godawful, either. It’s just kind of average, but on a even keel with the likes of its contemporaries.

Its weakest aspect is the fact it’s so clearly toyetic and marketable. Kids may have wanted cuddly toys of Eleroo or Tummi Gummi, but the fluppies themselves are pretty flat. They’re basically pastel-colored sheepdogs. There’s nothing truly interesting about them. If you scratch their heads, you can make things fly, but the fluppies lack true personalities like the other shows did. And because they seem so interchangeable, I have trouble getting invested.

Also, a big problem in this pilot is a lot happens. There’s constantly things going on, and it gets pretty overwhelming. There’s hardly any real moments that let the characters breathe and emote, in ways that might have streamlined the story. The opening is already a handful. When you first see them, they’re straddling a sheer vertical cliff in what looks like Mordor with nary an explanation! Some re-writes might have benefitted this pilot.

Does it give the feels?: The main reason they want you to care is because they are giant-eyed, Easter-colored, small doggies whose names are a portmanteau of “floppy” and “puppy”. That and they’re not that far removed from another eighties’ staple, the Care Bears.

Jamie and Claire are the wide-eyed innocents who bond with the creatures. But because the fluppies are so boring, you aren’t crying when they say goodbye, much less if you see right through the “kid hides a pet” trope so common in kid’s shows back then.

Even the villain feels weak. He just feels like a cross between Cruella DeVil and Duke Igthorn as he constantly shakes a fist, bellowing over and over “Get those fluppies!”. Why should I be afraid of a scheming guy in a mustache and suit?

Who makes it worth it?: the fluppies are boring. The kids are boring. Wagstaff is the only source of any true potential as a wealthy big game hunter, but it’s not played up very well. If he were more interesting, like Van Pelt from Jumanji, that might have been funny. But instead, he’s just a suit with a waving fist.

Best quality provided: Well, like I said, it isn’t bad. There’s nothing truly bad about it. The animation’s top notch (It was produced by Fred Wolf, who produced the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series.). The animation is expressive and creative. The backgrounds are well-done. Some of the concepts are interesting, if not fully fleshed out. None of it truly stands out, but that’s still a far cry from being bad.

What could have been improved: Easily the film’s biggest issue is the editing. The way the pilot is shot and spliced, characters’ lines almost get clipped off when they segue from one scene to another. Each shot in this 45-minute show rarely lasts more than a few seconds. It’s kind of jarring.

A big part of this headache comes from the way the story’s laid out. Before the first five minutes are up, we are asked to accept these creatures creeping around a lava-encroached wasteland as one sniffs out an invisible door, which they take their glowing key, poke it into thin air, and a hobbit hole-like door materializes just off the cliff’s edge, and it leads them to a Mesozoic-like planet. That’s a lot to take in already, but it’s much later when Stanley tells Jamie the reason they left home in the first place was because of “adventure!” Remember, by the time the film opens, they’re already scared and want to go home. It’s clumsy storytelling, and clutters what’s already a very action-packed story.

Another issue is their ability to make things fly. Stanley gets his head scratched, and makes Jamie’s bed soar out the window, Little Nemo-style. Stanley is just as confused as Jamie, but it’s shrugged off as something that just happens when they traverse dimensions. It’s such a weak excuse when these guys could have any ability to make them cool: superior technology, a book of spells, telekinesis, animal communication (Oh yeah, they can’t talk with our dogs. Go figure.)…anything. But for creatures who clearly are not dogs, the script seems to keep thinking they’re just dogs with hands.

At least Stitch had some cool alien powers while he was pretending to be a dog.

Verdict: I think I may have either turned down this pilot if I were in charge back then, or at the very least, I would have asked the writers to come up with something more imaginative. It’s a show and a concept that has merit: that’s undeniable. But it fell short of being interesting by a sad enough margin. I have to give this pilot four glowing keys out of ten.

Think these guys might have a cameo in the new DuckTales?